How do they work?

Dishwashers that is.

Honestly, I look at the thing while it's running and wonder what's going on in there. I've looked on howstuffworks.com and there is nothing about it.

I know the propeller dealy is spinning and spraying water around, I get that. But once that soap is released, how is it getting all over? Does the dishwasher fill up with water? Does it just spin like nuts? If it's just spinning, how is that soap being dispersed?

What goes on in there?

Something I do that's kinda bad

Once in a while I go to this church in my neighborhood. I always see this man wearing a nice suit and he wears a black patch over his eye. I can't help myself but I always think to myself, "Argh! I'm a pirate". to the point where I'm smiling to myself.

What the heck happened - 2005

I was just trying to think of all the significant things that happened in my life this past year.

January my good friend Jenny got married.

May my dad turned 60. Also, I pet sat and the cat died - NOT my doing.

June I went to Wicked in Chicago. Libby graduated 8th grade.

August I found and closed on my condo.

September my grandpa died.

November my mom turned 60 and retired four days later from a job she had for over 30 years. Stacy had a lil' baby boy.

December I graduated from college and hosted my first Christmas Eve dinner.


A lot of huge events this past year and I have no clue what next year will bring but I'm looking forward to good things.

Where to begin?

It's been a great 4 1/2 days off!

Let's start with Thursday afternoon. I got off at about noon and met my mom for lunch. Then we went to the Aveda Institute and got manicures. Mine was only okay but still pampering. Then I went home to relax for a bit before getting ready for graduation.

I had to be at the hotel where the ceremony was being held by 6:00. The ceremony started at 6:30. Normally the drive would take about 20 minutes, I gave myself 50 minutes. Traffic was HORRIBLE! I took me 40 minutes to go 3 miles at one point. I was in a panic. I didn't think I'd even get there by 6:30 at the pace traffic was going. I managed not to cry but called the traffic many names (such as "Where the fuck are all you fuckhead going?) I pulled into the hotel parking lot at 6:25, ran down the hall (in 3" heals), had my mom waiting there, threw her my purse and my coat, threw on my cap and gown (everyone was lined up ready to go). Some people rushed me in to get my picture taken then placed me in line. I had about 1 minute to catch my breath and rub the cramp the formed in the side of my calf from running with heals.

From there, everything went great. I saw my family as I walked down the isle and I couldn't stop grinning from there on. Once seated, anytime I turned around I couldn't find them again. Turns out I wasn't looking in the right area.

Libby gave me some earrings for graduation (she's so sweet) and my dad gave me a really grown up graduation gift. A Monte Blanc pen that writes like buttah baby.

Then Christmas. All went well at my house. My step dad took my nephew swimming and came back to get another towel. He accidentally went into the bad neighbors door He opened the door and it was dark and smokey in there. Thankfully, they have no idea!

My mom and step dad got me a trip to NC. My mom and I will go there to see the Vanderbilt home, see the Blue Ridge Mountains and then explore Charlotte. My dad and step mom got me some REAL knives. I'm afraid to use them because I know how much they cost
Christmas Day was pretty laid back. After the festivities at my dad's. Libby, Max and I went to see Narnia. It was good but I was so tired it was hard to get comfortable.

Monday I sat on my arse all day and I was just fine with that. Unfortunately I feel asleep for a couple hours and therefore couldn't get to sleep until about 1 am last night. Plus Rosco was practicing for a marathons and tearing all over the place. Jerk.


Now, back to work.

Graduation

Tonight's my graduation. Finally! A.A.S. in Business Administration.

No more obsessive homework. No more tests and quizzes. No more trips to the library. No more research for papers. No more sitting through lectures and taking notes. NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!

I woke up very excited this morning. I'm feeling really good about my accomplishments.


I'm leaving work early (noon) and going to the Aveda Institute to get a manicure. This is part of my gift to my mom for her birthday/retirement and we scheduled it so I could benefit from it too.

Fill in the blank

I got this in an e-mail. You're suppose to finish the sentence.



I hate being... the one who follows the rules.
I want someone to take me to... Ireland.
I don’t believe people when they tell me... I’m smart and/or pretty.
I own and listen to... the Bee Gees Greatest Hits
I'm not a fan of... the whole idea of dating.
I drive... like a grandma in bad weather.
I order... the same thing at Subway every time.
I lose... just about every bet I make.
Lately I have been... wondering where life will bring me.
"When I grow up" I want... to be happy.
Sometimes... I wonder what my life would be like if my parents stayed together.

If I think of it... I’ll write it down on a list so I don’t forget.

DONE!

I just finished my final. I didn't do as well as I wanted - I didn't get an A in the class. I got a B+ and I should be proud but I was really shooting for that A.

I believe I'm still good for graduating with honors. I'll find out soon enough.

The main thing is I'm completely, fully done, done, DONE! No more homework, no more classes, no more!

So, what do I do with all my time now?

It's Christmas at my house

I finally got my tree up. I'm not so sure about the angel. It's a bit small in comparison to the tree. There are no presents under the tree because Sam I Am (pictured under the tree) likes - loves - tape. Packing tape, Scotch tape... anything with adhesive. He tears it off and eats it then pukes it up later. I've actually played tug-o-war with him with tape in his mouth.

Also, you can see my new curtains, and my new blue walls. I'd like to figure out a way to cover the AC unit to hide it or camouflage it.

Something's off

Since about Friday I have been gradually getting more and more fatigued. I slept a ton over the weekend and today I have been yawning and I am just pooped.

Could it be all the running around I've been doing? My first thought is that my thyroid is out of whack again. This is usually my first symptom that I notice. Shit. I'm sick and tired of this thyroid bullshit. Sometimes it just really pisses me off. Puffy face, puffy buggy eyes, hard to loose weight, fatigue, bloating, joint aches, WTF.

Hopefully it's just all the school quarter coming to an end, getting ready to graduate, Christmas running around, etc. that's making me feel this way.


I'm beyond plum tuckered and I'll stop complaining now because there are worse things

The neighbors are drunken liars

Last night at about 11:50 I was getting ready for bed. The neighbors were blasting Roy Orbison "Pretty Woman" loud-loud-loud. I waited until midnight, called the cops when the guy started whoo-hooing . 12:10 it was quite and remained quite. The cops didn't show up until 12:25. Naturally, they didn't witness the noise but I eavesdropped as the cop talked to him.

Drunken Neighbor: We only have our TV on.


Cop: Sometimes TV's have amplifiers on them.... blah, blah, blah.


DN: Well, we don't have anything on.


C: You just said you had your TV on.


DN: *stutters, babbles...

C: Do you have a mental disability or are you just too drunk to understand? This isn't rocket science here.

Silence.

C: One of your neighbors got pissed off because you were making too much noise and called us.

DN: (stuttering - basically asked if he could get a copy of some report and know who made the complaint)

C: (Told him instructions on getting the report and he didn't know who made the call)

DN: Well, you can see that there's no noise here. Are you going to put that in your report? That it was quite when you got here. We're just old folks. We're going to bed.

C: I'll let you off with a warning this time.

45 minutes later the music came on for a minute.

OINK!

I made a cake last night simply because I was craving one piece. I made a chocolate Bundt with cream cheese frosting. I sliced out a big ass piece and oinked it down. That was my dinner.

Now I have the rest of the cake to deal with. I should bring it to work so I don't try to eat it all. But I sure as hell am looking forward for another big ol' piece tonight.

Funny stuff

This is the funniest thing I've read in so long! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

"Tom, meanwhile, will be chanting the pledge of allegiance backwards and slapping his butt against the wall in some kind of ritualistic fertility dance."

Funny memory

One of the funniest people I know is my friend Leslie. She and I used to work together about seven years ago. We worked in an office where it was just the two of us the majority of the time. We could get damn obnoxious (I know, WHAT? Me obnoxious?!) We spent most of our time laughing and sometimes literally rolling on the floor with laughter.... about stupid things.

I just had this memory of her answering the phone "Good morning, ADX, this is Laura". I immediately start laughing uncontrollably, she sat there stunned and trying not to laugh. Luckily it was someone else we worked with and he just said, "no it's not". I think we laughed about that all week.

I'm meeting her for lunch today, I'll have to remind her of this.

I guess it's one of those things you have to be there for.

Wheeeew!

Got the reply from my instructor about the zero grade on my paper:

"Sorry plus a 10....missed your grade. You earned a 100. Excellent job on the paper. Thanks"

I surely wasn't expecting the full 100 pts! Although, I've set my paper writing standards high, this just proves how fabulous I really am.

Why? What? Wh..?

I checked my grade for my research paper and it's posted as '0' with no explanation! I'm pretty freaked out. I'm hoping that it doesn't mean anything. I've e-mailed the instructor and asked why I received a '0'. I'm assuming it's just a temporary mark until he gets it graded... Shit! I hope it is!!

Lucky Duck!

Today is my mom's last day of work - foreveh! She retires today after about 35 years. Wow. How does one just stop working after that long? I know for myself, if I have a week off with no plans I go a little stir crazy. But to know you don't have to go to work ever again... that would be nice.


Have fun, Momma!

Pretty much screwed

I called the police just now to see what exactly I can do about my damn neighbors. I explained that the majority of the time the noise is just enough to wake me up and then it's quite. By the time the police get there I can pretty much guarantee that it will be quite and that they won't answer their door. Management will send another letter but explained that I really need to call the police.

So, what the hell? It's my word against their drunken word. It's not fair.

Last night I laid awake running scenerios through my head of what I would say to them if I went over there and knocked on their door after one of their outbursts. It wasn't pretty, I wasn't nice. Why should I be? I want to say "Who the hell do you think you are? Are you aware that your drunken outbursts are disturbing my sleep? Are you aware that you are living in close quarters with several other people? Have you no respect? What's your problem?" Oh, I wish....

Unfortunately, I think I'm eventually going to have to personally go next door and confront them some how. Apparently they don't take management or police seriously.

I'm going to have to open a can of whoop-ass on them. HI-YAH!

Defying gravity

That's how I feel! I'm beyond excited to be going to see Wicked again! Okay, so it won't be until July 2006 but I've bought tickets and I'm ready to go!

YAY!!!

Gotta lotta stuff done

This weekend was pretty constructive. First off, I was able to sleep in until 10:30 on Saturday! I watched a movie then I went to the library and did my homework. I went to Menards and priced medicine cabinets, light fixtures, bi fold doors and picked up a few more paint samples. I went to Target and bought.... stuff. Went to Marshall Fields and bought a cute little Tiffany lamp (and some Frango mints!). On the way home I got some Chinese take-out and watched another movie

Sunday I didn't make it to church - I'm okay with that since I've been really good on going for the past six weeks. I did a whole bunch of little home improvement things. I painted a plant table, tore down the border in the kitchen, cut and installed carpeting for the front closet, hung some pictures, touched up some paint, did a disastrous paint technique in the bathroom which I'll eventually fix. I did laundry and went for a walk. Then shower and watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.

Lovely weekend!

When I was thin...

I could eat whatever and as much as I wanted

I didn't have to suck in my stomach

I wore sleeveless tops

Men looked at me

I wore boxer shorts and tank tops for lounging and sleeping

I wasn't self-conscious of my double chin

I think my feet were a half size smaller

I could put lotion all over my back

My inner thighs didn't rub together

I wore a bathing suit - two piece even!

I held my head higher

I didn't need to exercise

The funniest thing I've heard today!

I did one of those survey things through e-mail... you know, what's your favorite flavor ice cream, blah, blah. Even though they're all the same, I love doing them.

I get one back from a co-worker/friend (she's 53) and her answer to the question, "What was your first pet's name"? "Niggy - a black lab. (Times were innocent then)"

First my eyes popped out then I laughed. It's so inappropriate, you have to laugh!

Costume fiasco

Last night I thought I'd try to dress the boys up in their costumes. Last year Rosco was a devil (appropriate) and Sam was Frankenstein. So I thought I'd switch them around this year. I did Rosco first.

I got the Frankenstein fastened around his neck and was working on getting his ears through the little slits. This is a cat who doesn't want to be touched during my waking hours so he was having nothing to do with it. He wasn't vocal about it, just squirmed a lot. Then I smelled something. He crapped on my leg. He does this when he's royally freaked (like when he's in his carrier). Well, that settled that. No costume for Rosco. He showed me.

Sam was next. I got the Devil costume fastened, he's a big cat so the ear slots didn't exactly line up. So, I let him go and tried to get a picture. All of them are of him with his head down, just about out of the frame. He was running around backwards trying to get away from it.

Oh well. Here's last years pictures:

New mission

I went to my condo's monthly association meeting last night. I was able to talk to the manager briefly about my terrible neighbors. Several other residents there knew exactly who I was talking about, said they have been called on several times in the past, said to keep calling the police and management.

As I'm leaving I meet a couple of my neighbors. One said, "you know, they're the reason Marlys moved". My jaw dropped. Oh lordy! (Marlys being the previous owner).

Now, my mission is to get them to shut their traps. I don't want to have to move so soon. Marlys owned the unit for 16 months. I've been looking at other property since my first week there. Now that I know they drove the previous owner out, I'm going to stay on them and get THEM out!

I will not live like this anymore. I will not be miserable in a place I OWN. I will not stand for their drunken nights anymore. I SHALL RISE ABOVE THIS! That just seemed appropriate there.

I'm on a mission, stand back, outta my way....

64 days

Until I graduate!

That's 6 more class meetings for Career Development.


That's 9 1/2 more weeks of Business Ethics.

Scary fat man

Last night I had a terrible dream. The noisy neighbor got into my place w/o me knowing. In my dream he was this short, slobby, fat man w/ short sausage fingers, short legs and puckery lips. (IRL he's fairly average looking). The man was sitting on my porch (which I don't have) and trying to grab me by my wrists. I struggled away and called 911 sobbing while he tried to grab me.


Ugh, it was awful!

Damn freaks!

Just before 3 am last night I wake up to, guess... the neighbors yelling. Holy shit! You wouldn't believe it. I just sat there with my mouth open. How the hell does someone think they can just do that?! It wasn't even really an argument but the guy was obviously yelling at his wife. He sounds like he should be medicated.

"Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit!" or "Fuck you, you fucking c***!"(insert a C-U-Next-Tuesday here) or "Shut the fuck up" or "I should smash this over your fucking head you fucking (insert "piece of shit" or "c***" here)".

It went on and on and on and on and on.... None stop. He just kept yelling it all over and over. It was bizarre. I called the cops after about 10 minutes. The cops came 10 minutes later. As soon as I heard the cops car idling outside the neighbor shut up. I heard the cops knock at their door about four times. They didn't answer. The cops left an 30-45 minutes later the asshole started up again. I moved out to the couch where I tossed and turned for another hour.

THEN at 9 am the woman starts yelling! Kicks him out, he's yelling at her in the hallway, she lets him back in, she yells some more then all is quite.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm pissed. I've had it. This is hell and I'm overly annoyed.

Call me chicken

The drunken, smoky, crabby-sounding, shouting neighbors of mine got a note on their door yesterday morning. I couldn't bring myself to actually knock on their door. I don't like strange people who yell in the middle of the night because they drink all day. Kind of a red flag for me.

I put a very polite note on their door yesterday morning and it was gone yesterday afternoon. They got the message so let's see if they honor it. It was quite last night - yessss!

Next step will be calling the police but it's such a pain in the ass to completely wake up to dial the phone and report them. Ugh.


Now if I could just get the person upstairs to stop walking on the creaky parts of the floor.

Shouty McShourtertons

Shut your mouth!

I am so tired of being tired. Saturday I woke up four or five times to the neighbors shouting. WTF is wrong with them?!

I know I need to call the police but I'm just too tired at the time. I can notify management, but she comes off with this attitude that she doesn't want to be bothered. Plus, the management want owner's to try to resolve problems between themselves. Well, I'm not going over to some drunken neighbors to confront them about their SHOUTING in the middle of the night.

Should I leave a "nice" little note pointing out that I would rather they didn't SHOUT in the middle of the night? I hate being the "bad guy" but it's unacceptable and I'm loosing sleep. I can't be the only one either.I know nothing will change unless something is said so I better say something....

Dead dream

Last night I had such a strange dream (aren't they all). I dreamt that I was dead. I was, I guess, a ghost. It was so strange. I was at my school gymnasium in the middle of the night. Some gang approached me (I was already dead) and they pulled a knife out. I just jumped and flew away They got scared and ran off. There was a part where I was walking down a flight of stairs on the outside of an old crumbly building with a guy. We didn't have any clothes on and I was bleeding.

The next thing I know I'm sitting in an office on a toilet (not going to the bathroom ) just off the gym and I'm with a boyfriend - I guess the same one I was naked with - and we're sort of hiding out there. Some people come to the door - friends of ours? - and sit down, we're talking blah, blah, blah. In walks my best friend from several years ago whom I've lost touch with since he got married. He was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt with a lit up clock on the front Oh, it gets better, after him in walks my dad with the same sweatshirt. He sits down and immediately starts explaining to everyone that this isn't like him, he's usually really shy. So strange.

Next thing I'm in a school auditorium getting my clarinet for the band. I can't remember how to play it because it's been 20 years since the last time I've played. But I tell whoever I'm great. I want to be in the band to I can see an old friend from Jr. High (IRL, I've recently gotten back in touch with him). I think I'm alive for this part.

Now, someone explain this one to me

My grandpa died

My grandpa died last night. I'm completely numb over it. It's not real at all. I even woke up this morning wondering if it were a dream. But man, I slept so well last night. I didn't wake up once.

My mom called last night at 9:07. She was crying She and my uncle were there. As the nurses were helping my grandpa get ready for bed he became "combative" pushing and yelling, I guess. They gave him a sedative. My mom and uncle went to get some coffee. They came back, my grandpa's breathing had changed and gradually faded. I'm glad he wasn't alone.


I can honestly say that my grandpa was the kindest most tender loving, gentle man I've ever met in my life. He was such a good person. I'm so lucky to have had him in my life.


My grandma and grandpa's wedding Sept. 16, 1939

My grandpa about age 5 - 1919

Oh! Hello zit!

Make yourself comfy on my cheek there. While you're at it, go ahead and become even more painful and red and noticeable. I don't mind. I like you there. I like to watch your progression throughout the day. You know, you're my first major zit in about six months. This is so nostalgic. Of course, if you have to leave, don't let me keep you.

'Nother dream

The only part I remember of a dream I had last night is that I was at a reunion or party and the guy I've recently been in touch with (through Classmates.com) from Jr. High came up to me and asked me to dance. It was a slow song and I remember he held me close so that our cheeks touched. His cheek was warm and comforting and I really enjoyed dancing with him. My dream men are the best!

Touching

My dad and I aren't what I consider close. For the most part, I spend a lot of time with him but we have very few heart-to-hearts. I'm not sure why this is. I love him to pieces but he's never been the one I turn to in troubled times. A lot of that may be due to the fact that he and my mom were divorced when I was six so I didn't grow up with him in the house. He wasn't active in my upbringing. Anyway, over the past ten years or so, I'm learning who my dad is as a person rather than just "dad".

I have always (and still do this) wanted to be that perfect daughter. The one that doesn't do anything wrong, the one that does the right thing, has her act together. I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't know where I got this. Perhaps I thrive on his being proud of me. It's silly but if something is wrong (depression, anxiety, whatever) I am less than perfect. Very silly. I'm the one who has never been in trouble with the law, I graduated high school, I went to college, I've never - yes, never - have asked for money, I have a new car, and now, I'm a homeowner on my own. Gosh, this is silly. Where did I get these ideas?

I really haven't talked to him about my anxiety and depression (mentioned it but not in detail) but I have talked to my step mom. Last night I went to their house for dinner and before I left my dad talked to me a little. He told me he suffered from anxiety when he was in Vietnam. He didn't know what it was though, he thought it was from smoking too much. He gave me some advice on what he did then and what he does now to deal when he gets anxious.

I told him it's all getting better everyday. He told me "I love you and you're very precious to me. I just want you to be happy". Got me right in the heart with that one. I know he loves me, I know he adores me but I didn't expect all that and it really touched me.


See? I need counseling for more than depression and anxiety I shall get to the bottom of this. I'm going to be happier than hell someday!!

Strangest dreams lately

Occasionally I have dreams about an ex boyfriend from high school. We dated for several months during school and then for about two years after. I have never had so much fun with someone. I also was lost when we broke up. I have seen him a few times since but now not for five years. I still think about him a lot, a lot and I have dreams about him quite a bit as well.

In the dreams we are usually a couple yet for some reason it's difficult for us to be together. In the past week or so I've had a couple of dreams about him. In one, we actually got married. I remember being so happy and thinking FINALLY we're together like we were meant to be.

I wonder what he's up to these days.....

Tuesday

Well, I made it through another day. Last night I felt completely normal from right before I got off work until I woke up this morning. Then it starts all over again. The constant churning/butterflies in my stomach, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, distraction, can't sit still, numb/tingly arms.... But, it's better than it was a week ago, right?

Another weekend under my belt

I survived the weekend with only about four breakdowns. The constant butterflies and tight chest, verge of tears, shaking, quick breaths, etc, etc, are still there none stop but an actual breakdown of tears and sadness was "minimal" considering.

I went to church on Sunday. The first time I've ever gone one my own accord. I went by myself. It was also the first time I've been to church in several years. I've tried those big auditorium churches a couple times with some friends and didn't like them. Before that it was about ten years since going. So, I found a Lutheran church. It was very comforting just sitting in there before the service. I don't feel like I got anything out of the service itself but it was calming being there. I'm searching for something. I'm not sure and maybe I'll find it there. I'll go again.


I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. This anxiety and depression is really taking it's toll. I'm tired of struggling through fighting the feelings off all day. I just want to be normal again.

Noise

I called the property manager for my condo association to complain about the upstairs neighbor. Normally I should try to resolve issues myself but I didn't feel comfortable confronting this person.

I don't hear anything out of the upstairs person? People? All day or evening. I know someone is up there because I can hear walking on creaky floors directly above my bedroom.

Every night since I've moved in I have woken up to a woman yelling between 1:00 am and 3 am.
One night at 9:30 pm I was hanging a towel rack in the bathroom and I could hear someone in the bathroom. At this time I couldn't tell where the talking was coming from but a woman kept saying "God damn you" over and over and over. Then a guy came in and asked "what did I do?" She just kept responding "God damn you". I thought it was next door but now I'm thinking it's upstairs because last night I woke up to stomping and slamming and yelling directly above me at 3 am. Last night it was the woman yelling "I'm the man! You're not the man, I'm the man" over and over. It's funny but not at the time. Perhaps she's mentally ill? Who yells this kind of thing?!

I've heard the yelling every night and could never figure out where it was coming from - upstairs? Next door? Next door and upstairs? Next door and downstairs? Since the windows have been open it carries outdoors.

Anyway, I can't deal with it much longer, I'm loosing sleep so I contacted Julie, the manager. She's going to send the unit a letter. She said she's had "dealings" with this unit before but never for noise. She also said she just has listed that there is one woman in the unit. No mention of a man.

Anyway, she won't get the message this weekend since it's in letter form but I did something about it for now. If it continues on or if it's not the unit above me, I'll have to start knocking on doors??? And say what? Are you the one yelling in the middle of the night? How does one go about doing this without knowing 100% which unit it's coming from.Otherwise it's wonderfully quiet there!!

More pity

I found a good website about depression and anxiety. This excerpt has been especially true for the past year. I thought is was very interesting:

Relationships with others often become highly distressing to the individual, and
although they want closeness, they often respond with anger, criticism or
withdrawing further increasing their feelings of isolation and loneliness. The
longer you wait, the more tenacious the depression becomes. It never completely
goes away by itself, but rather, it may appear to go away simply to return when
you are in a highly stressed state.

I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit I suffer from depression or have a problem with anxiety, but I'm afraid of seeking help. Isn't that the silliest thing?

Leaning on friends

Why don't I allow myself to lean on my friends when I'm having a hard time? I have such awesome friends! I guess I just feel like I'm burdening them. I feel like crying is showing I'm not in control and not a strong person. Crazy, I know.

It's just hard for me to just call and say, Hey! I'm hurting! I actually CAN'T control everything I'm feeling! I want to cry and cry. Can I use your shoulder?

My good, good friend e-mailed me today, gradually I got around to talking to her about it. She sad and hurting for me now. She said I have to, have to call when I'm feeling sad. She said she's so sad that I was hurting by myself.

I went to lunch with a friend today, talked with her about it because she's had anxiety problems before. She e-mailed me just now "about our conversation today, I hope you feel better. Let me know if I can do anything for you".Friends make hard times so much more bearable

Mornings are tough

Mornings are so difficult. Maybe because I'm thinking I have to get through another day.

I just got a call from someone. He asked how was my new place. He said by the ton of my voice it didn't seem alright. I told him I've been lonely and trying to make the place a home. He said, "yeah, you probably got used to living with your mom". After I hung up with him I started crying. Shit! I did so well for two days of no crying and here I am at work crying.

My anxiety is in overdrive, I'm close to a panic attack and that makes me feel worse. I have to keep telling myself that I can do this, I can get through this. I'll be alright. Breathe....

I want these feelings to be over now. I want to go home. I need to see/talk to my mom but I'll keep crying then. I want to be over feeling so lousy. I'm tired of fighting to control my feelings everyday.

Random thoughts for the day

The thing about anxiety and depression is that more than anything I'd love to crawl back in bed and cry yet I'm too restless to do it. Not to mention, I can barely breath. Short quick breaths is what I've been taking. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe.

Nobody at work here knows whats going on. I'm afraid if I tell anyone here I'd lose it and cry all day. With them not knowing, I can control the feelings until I get home. I've even had thoughts of going to Medical and asking the nurse if I can just sit in one of her rooms and cry for a bit.

Today my stomach really hurts from the constant butterfly and flipping feeling.

It's storming now, it wasn't suppose to rain today and I left my bedroom window open. The rain goes straight in.

My friend came to visit and see my new place last night. I was looking forward to talking to her but she brought her husband along. So, she still has no idea how I've been feeling.

My doctor appointment went well yesterday. She increased my dosage of Zoloft and I was able to make an appointment with a phychologist for the 19th. I'm going to try to get something earlier...

I've lost 5 lbs. in the past five days from not being able to eat. Not that I can't stand to loose the weight, it's just a bad way of going about it.

I forgot Sam's birthday I felt like such a bad kitty momma. His 5th b-day was Sunday the 4th.

I'm starting to worry about the money part. Where's it going to come from?

I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better.

Among other things

Anxiety sucks the big one

I was excited about big move until the next morning. Since then I've been experiencing multiple symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks that I just can't explain.

• crying a lot (sobbing)
• can't catch breath
• tight chest
• butterflies
• tingly arms
• restlessness
• very lonely
• hungry but no appetite - I didn't even want chocolate ice cream! Three bites and I was done!
• racing heart
• feeling overwhelemed (about what?)
• exhausted
• clenching jaw
• tension in face
• dull, slight headache
• want to stay in bed
• don't want to leave my condo but when I do, I don't want to return
• distracted/no concentration

Thank goodness for my family and friends.

I was told that people go through all kinds of emotions when they purchase a home. The only thing I haven't freaked out about is how the hell I'm going to live my life and pay these payments. It's going to be tight. Just another thing to add to my worries now.

I have a hard time going to my friends and asking for help or just coming out and saying, "I'm having a hard time, I need you". I know they're there for me, it's just hard for me to admit I can't handle something.

I keep getting told that these feelings will pass and things will get better. I just want those feelings now. It scares me not to have control of my feelings.

I've gotten through some trying times, I can get through this. I just need time.... time.... time... time....

Still no good

Everyday gets a little better but I'm still crying a lot. I'm suffering from some major anxiety attacks. I have a doctor appointment this afternoon for that.

I'm not so sure what I'm so anxious about. But they come on long and strong. My goal today is to not cry at work today. I'm doing a lot of deep breathing.


I'm not sure what my problem is....

Overflowing emotions

This is not what I imagined. I will try to compose myself as I sit here in the library.

I moved in on Thursday. That went well and the first evening went well. I unpacked quite a bit and went to bed at about 10:30.

At 10:40 someone started playing music LOUDLY for about four songs. Then it stopped. Someone next door? had their TV on loud enough to keep me awake. Plus I heard people talking from inside the building. I finally moved out the the couch at about 11:30 and slept for about an hour. Then moved back to the bedroom and tossed and turned from the TV until 2:30 I must have fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Up at 8:00 the next morning and everything came rushing down on me. What have I gotten myself into? I don't belong here. I want to go home. I'm so, so lonely.

I finally called my mom at about 9:15 and cried on the phone to her. I love my mom to death. I never thought I would have this intense loneliness. I'm going to miss having other people around to say good morning to and good night to. To tell them how my day went and just BE there with others.

Last night I slept pretty well. Fortunately there wasn't any noise. I slept fro 9:30 - 8. I think I was exhausted from crying almost the entire day. So far, today hasn't been much better. I'm glad I got some sleep. I'm so glad I have my boys - they're doing great.

Another reason I'm probably crying a lot is that I'm finally letting everything out that was building up. The stress of closing, my grandpa being so sick, moving and now the loneliness.
Whew, I made it through this with nothing more than a huge lump in my throat.
But where do I belong? Where is my home? When will I stop crying? I want to go home. I want my mom. This sucks so bad right now.

Textured Ceilings

Whose bright idea was it to make ceilings textured? Was it someone who never intended on painting them? Did they say to themselves, I'm going to make these ceilings... prickly and bumpy so that they're .... prickly.... and .... bumpy.

What purpose do they serve other than to tell you, hey, someday you'll have to paint me and you'll quickly go insane. You're neck, arms, shoulders and back will scream out in pain. This is my purpose.

Overwhelmed

I got a covered trailer for Thursday. I'm not even packed. I have everything that's been stored ready to go but what about all the other crap? Mainly I want to be able to move all the big stuff (bed, couch, table, chairs, etc). If I don't get everything in boxes, I can do that later and move it in car loads.

I'm very overwhelmed though. I still have painting to do. It seems like painting takes no time at all but it takes a lot of time! I think I'm just going to do another coat here and touch up there and it's three hours later by the time I'm done. And really, I'm not putzing along. Once it's done it will be done and it certainly isn't mandatory that I have it done before I move in. It's just easier not to work around the furniture.

I also have butterflies about moving. What if my cats all of a sudden become noisy boys? What if the person upstairs takes up pacing and tap dancing? What if I can't afford the payments? What if I don't like it?

Lordy, I could go on and on. It's just anxiety of change and new things. Everything will be fine. Once I make it my home and settle in I'll be fine. This is something I've been saving for for 18 months. This is what I've been waiting for.

Interesting...

My horoscope today:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Life experiences change a person for better (or worse) and can take people in very different directions. Don't worry so much about keeping someone in your life. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Woah!

I'm nervous as hell! This whole buying and closing process is making me crazy. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I do but I don't. I'm so sick of making phone calls asking questions I don't understand. "Call the insurance company and say this and this", "call your lender and ask her this", "call so and so and ask them about the watcha-ma-call-it". I have so many notes. I've got calls in and messages left waiting for calls back. Patience...

I'm so glad the next time I do this I won't have those first time jitters. I'll be a pro, right? I'm nervous and excited all at once. Nervous because of the commitment, excited because, well that's obvious!!

I also can't express enough that I have a visual of how I want MY place to look. I welcome ideas but don't start them with "you should..." Also, it's a small place, I don't want crap all over the walls and 50 different colors going on. This is MY place and it will be my first opportunity EVER to express myself. Allow me please...

I'll be doing my final walk through in 25 hours and I'll be closing in 26 1/2 hours!


Breathe..... in... out... in... out....

Monday.

Monday had to come, there's never a way to stop it.

I got to go out to eat with my friend Kari and her little Anna Banana (2 1/2). Sadly, Kari lost her baby. She went in for a pregnancy test last Wednesday, they did an ultrasound and saw that the baby was in her tube. They figure she was probably about 5 weeks along. Poor Kari.

My grandpa now has congestive heart failure. Man. He broke my heart on Friday. I leaned over to give him a kiss good-bye, told him I love him and he whispered "I know, I know". Oh man, my brother was crying when he gave him a kiss and my grandpa whispered "oh, Jesse". My grandpa said he was scared. He is scared for his family. Geez, this is killing me. It's so sad. Yesterday, for lunch, he ate quite a bit of solid food. Something he hasn't done for days and days. He ate turkey, mashed potatoes, tomato soup and even some pumpkin pie! I couldn't help thinking though, that this is a sign of dying. People will get a surge of energy and eat more than they have been just days before dying. I just don't want him to ever be in any pain.

Okay, good news, I just registered for my final class. This makes me very happy. I'm taking it online so I don't have to go into school. Oh yeah, I have to take this 6 week class called Career Development. It teaches you interview skills, how to write a resume, blah, blah. Not a problem, like I said, one night a week for two hours and it only goes for six weeks. You can hardly even count it as a class... unfortunately financial aide does.


I couldn't believe it! I was actually offered help to paint my new condo! Now I just need some offers for help in moving - that's when people suddenly become "busy"

80's flashbacks

20 years ago, in the summer of '85, when I was a wee 13 years old, I met my soon to be step dad and his three children. His oldest daughter is just 2 months younger then me so we got a long great and were interested in the same things. As 13 year olds, we listened to a lot of music and being that it was 1985, the music was the best!

I spent the night at my now step dad's condo the weekends he had his kids. There was a pool and hot tub that we always went to. We ate cereal in the mornings - usually sugar cereal that I couldn't have at home. I had some of the best memories from spending time at this condo.

Flash forward to August 2005, I am buying a condo. This particular condo is in the same complex as the condo I spent so much time in at ages 13-17!


So, it's kind of strange in a way to listen to the same music on the radio, having flashbacks of listening to it in that condo and here I am, 20 years later buying one of the same.

You got an eye problem?

Prepare yourself for the ultimate pity party:

My eyes are bringin' me down. A year after I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease I developed TED (Thyroid Eye Disease). My eye lids are puffy, my lid retract, there's some slight bulging of the eyeball, they're dry (because of the retracting), the rest of my face is puffy. Basically, I feel really, really ugly. Mostly from the profile. It makes me paranoid. I feel like others will see it as ugly. My friends and family say it's not that noticeable. It's noticeable enough. I hate getting my picture taken. About 1% of all pictures taken of me look decent.

I have to wait until this disease runs it's course - that's what the eye doctors tell me. Once it's done doing whatever the hell it does, it may go back to normal or I can opt to have surgery to correct the puffiness (fluid gathers behind the eye and collects in the fatty tissue).

So, I'm having one of my many feeling ugly days due to my ugly eyes. I'm suppose to be "patient" but I'm obsessed with it. It's been 3 1/2 years - supposedly it can take up to five years to run it's course.

I want it to go away! I want it to go away! I want it to go away!

I passed!

I passed the test! I don't have to take the class! I have one class to take I'll be done December 21st and I graduate. Perfect Christmas gift to myself!

What a difference a weekend makes

I'm feeling much better. Although, I'm tired from my busy weekend. I slept really well all weekend. I woke up a couple times with Sam snuggled in my arms. My sweet boy.

Libby and I started running. I need to get my butt in shape - literally! It didn't help that it was in the 90's and humid. We didn't run much/far since we're just starting out but I could feel it in my breathing.

I felt good after running though. I felt like I was doing something for me plus spending time with my sister is always a plus! I love that girl heart and soul.

We (Libby and I) saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved it! It was pretty funny. I love Johnny Depp. He can play any character fabulously! The movie was so wacky, what's not to like?!

I'm still waiting for my test results for my class. I'm entirely too anxious. I'm so afraid I'm going to fail and have to take the dumb class.

I did my friend's hair for a wedding she's in. I can't believe I didn't take a freakin' picture. It wasn't anything extraordinary but I like to take pictures of all my updos.

I'm so blue

I've got issues.

I think I'm having some sort of crisis.

I'm isolating myself.

I want to be left alone.

It's not fair to my friends.

I want to surround myself with positive people.

What do I want to do with my life?

Shouldn't I have some direction by now?

Happy Dance

Okay, I am beyond excited. I haven't had good news for so long that I'm not sure how to handle myself.


I started (part time) going back to school in the fall of '96 while I was still doing hair full time. I took one, two, or three classes each quarter. After I was 2/3 of the way through, I took a quarter off. That quarter turned into four years. I finally got back into it last spring and now, after all this time I will be done the end of this year.


The happy dance news is that I thought I had three classes left but now with careful checking, rechecking and asking, and double checking I know that I have ONE class left.


Can I believe this? Can you? One class and I'll be done. I dare not say it's "only" an AAS because it's quite an accomplishment for me. The whole time I was in school I worked full time. For more than half that time I also had a part-time job.


I'm done with school after this.

Freeee... kind of

I just took a hefty sum from my savings account and paid off my student loan. I have rid myself of paying that sucker for the next five years. I can now take that monthly payment and put it towards my savings for a home. I think it was the best thing to do. I got rid of that burden, the interest, all that jazz.


How tempted am I to take that monthly payment and do something fun with it? Very. But I'm a saver and I know how to restrain myself. Owning a home is far more rewarding!


Damn cool

The Boss Man

Is it really neccessary that the Boss Man be here everyday, all day? Isn't there an important meeting to attend or some off-site project that needs his attendance?



I've got slacking off to do and this is just a huge interferance.