Thinking of switching things up a bit

After all these years, I don't want to be Confused Chaos anymore.

I see "Confused Chaos" at the top of my screen and it makes me anxious and lost because that's not who I am or who I want to be.

I'm not sure of the direction I want to go so just give me a minute here....

Excuse me while I pat myself on the back...

Another one of my DIY projects was laying tile in my entry way.  I was fed up with the condition of the carpet.  There was no way to keep on top of the dirt that tracked in.  Vacuuming and shampooing just didn't do it.

The scariest part was making that first cut in the carpet.  There was no turning back once that was made.  It was very liberating pulling the carpet up - like a clean slate.

It didn't take long but I was a few tiles short so I had to make a couple trips back to Lowe's.  After I installed the transition threshold, stepped back and admired my work...  I must say I'm extremely proud of it!  All that's left to do is touch up the paint on baseboards where the carpet came up.  Something I'll do when it's less humid out.

Procrastination with a capital 'P'

 

 The "easy" part was puting the acutal sink in.  I replaced the drain as well.  After the drain was installed I realized I couldn't get the old faucet off so I bought another.  Come to find out it included a drain piece as well.  Too late.  Oh well.  I replaced the valve hoses - another easy step.

When I go to turn the water valves back on the hot leaks - drip.. drip... drip... dripdripdripdrip...  What else leaks?  The p joint.  I take it off, put more tape on, put it on, tighten it to an inch of it's life.  Turn on the water (cold of course) and it leaks.  I repeat the above steps several times.  I'm not giving up on this bad boy.

I'm cramped up under the sink and I'm tired of the smell of pipes and the things that are in pipes.

Long story short, I put off calling someone because I CAN DO THIS!  After a month... yes, you read right (but it gets better so hold on) I give it another go.  Good grief.  How hard can this be?  I finally do a thoughrough inspection and see that the rubber washer are dried up and peterfied.  The crumble as I pry them out.  Ahhh, now we're getting somewhere.  I spend the $1.18 at the hardware store to replace the washers and  AHHHHH (heavenly music plays from above) no leaks!   I don't trust it so I leave the bucket underneath the sink and obsessively check it for the next month (yes, your addition is correct.  We are at two months now and the hot water valve is still kaput).

At this point, who cares when the hot water valve is fixed.  So I give it another go but still nothing.  That thing is set on leaking. Stubborn.

Let's speed up to last Thursday when I finally make "that" call.  It's the call that says, "I'm no flippin' plumber and I better quit actin' like one."

I have hot water pouring from my bathroom sink faucet... four months later.  I hardly know what to do with myself.

In with the new, out with the old... In that order

 A couple of months ago I bought a dresser from Ikea that I've had my eye on for a while.  I've had my old dresser all my life and it was my mom's growing up.  With her permission I replaced it and gave it away.  It stood empty beside my new dresser for over a month before I found it a home.  It was kind of sad in a weird way, seeing it go... but I'm over it now.  I'm glad it found a home with a friend.

If you've never put together something from Ikea it can seem overwhelming at first because there are no written instructions, only pictures.  Surprisingly it's actually easier than something that says, "put bolt A-1 into piece G-5 and attach to back of board 9 wrong side down on your head while chanting "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey".

It really isn't a difficult task but I have a "helper" that I have to deal with the entire time.  Whether it's keeping him from laying on the instructions, batting around the screws or getting into the packaging (he likes to eat packing tape then puke it up in the middle of the night) it seems to take longer than necessary.  Of course sometimes there's belly rub breaks (him - not me).

I love my new dresser.  It goes so much better with my decor and it warms the room up a bit.  Now I need some accessories to place on top.  Heavy ones that can't be knocked off by the critters living with me.  Like a decorative anvil.

The Adirondacks - Upstate New York

I've been back form my trip to the Adirondacks for a week now.

It wasn't one of my usual trips.  It was much slower paced but we still did a lot and saw a lot.  It was hot and muggy and I think I only peed twice a day because of how much I was sweating.

The first night there we rode into town on a buggy.  I'm not sure how fun it was because I was so concerned with the horses (Harley) ability to take us down the hills.  It's a lot of work for the lil' buggers.

The first night I was introduced to Stewarts ice cream and I became a mild addict.  The little stores sell them by the cone and they're everywhere!  There was no going wrong with all the flavors.  I had plenty of Adirondack Bear Paw, Death by Chocolate and Chocolate Raspberry Ripple

We went on a couple small hikes that were in the "backyard".  Both lead to pretty great views.

One day we met up with my brother's ex whom we were all pretty close to.  I loved seeing her and it just reminded me how much I love her and miss her.  She's doing really well and I'm really happy for her.

My dad and I went to tour Fort Ticonderoga which I'm embarrassed to say I knew nothing about but was a huge part of US history.  I loved going there and having my dad to myself.  We ate at the Hot Biscuit Diner on the way home and he had a "pretty good" hamburger for only the second time since his heart attack in December... he followed that up with another hamburger three days later.

One evening we enjoyed strolling through the Essex County Fair.  Very small.  Great people watching.  Limited food selection but the there is a riding lawn mower pulling competition.

There was some trick the the leaning that made them go a little further.

We climbed to the top of Mount Jo one day.  I was quite a hike and the view was incredible.  As was the view from the top of Whiteface Mountain (missing the $18/ea gondola ride to the top we paid $22 for all of us to drive to the top and take an elevator up to the summit that is inside the mountain).  I couldn't stop looking at the view of Lake Placid.

Zelda's a mountain climber too.  12 yrs old and practically ran up the whole thing!

My dad bestowed unto me his 40 year old bandanna

And in the end, I got on a horse and rode it bareback around the pen thingy (I believe that is the correct term but don't quote me).  I have been terrified of horses since I was about nine.  Although I'm hating that I look like a blob of fat sitting on a horse, I was quite impressed with myself for doing it and not crapping my pants in the process.

My dad entertained himself while I rode.  He may or may not be singing.

On the way to the airport home we stopped and had lunch at Betty Beaver's Truck Stop and when I got home I reactivated my gym membership.

20 years in the making

Yesterday I RSVPd to go to my 20 year high school reunion.
There will be a dinner and a DJ.  It's nearby and the tickets are cheap - so what the heck!
I'm not looking forward to seeing an ex but it is what it is.
So, I have two months to lift my arse and firm my gut.

Smashing pumpkins on my face

I did some of research on pumpkin and acne scars.  Turns out it's full of enzymes that when put on the skin had a similar reaction of an acid peel.

This is the scarring I've been self conscious of for about 15 years.  Hopefully I can post a picture in a few month? that shows some difference!

Pumpkin makes an excellent face mask ingredient for all skin types, especially environmentally damaged or sensitive skin. High in Vitamin A (skin healing), C (anti-oxidant) and Zinc, the pumpkin soothes, moisturizes and acts as a carrier, assisting the other mask ingredients to absorb deeper into the skin and intensifying the results.

So I gave it a try.  Mixed a little honey and milk in it.

I slopped it on and left it for 15 minutes.

It didn't smell good.  It felt very wet.  There was a slight tingling/itchy feel along the jaw line but nothing uncomfortable.

After rinsing it off my skin was very soft and smooth.  My complexion looked bright and even.  I couldn't find anything that said how often I should do this but I'm shooting for once a week.

Trying to let go and let it be

I have my trip for this year planned - going to the Adirondacks.  Well, I can't completely say I have it planned.

I am going on vacation with no idea of what to expect.  I have done little research of the area.  I don't know what there is to do.  I don't know what to expect.

I'm actually okay with this.

Those who know me know I research the hell out of a trip.  I find all there is to do, how much it costs, what day we will go to what places and even the time of day we will go.

Yeah, obsessive.  But I see all I want to see, do and eat.  It's never hectic and I enjoy every minute of it.

This time I bought my ticket and this was the only decision I had to make.  My vacation is in others' hands.

This will also be my first vacation with my dad since I was about 10 years old when we would go camping for a week at a time in Northern Minnesota.  This is my first vacation with step mom #2.  I will be flying and they and my sister will be driving.  This is my first vacation with my sister.

I'm in love with Eat, Pray, Love

Antoher exerpt I love from Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert

Chapter 48

     The next morning's meditation is a disaster. Desperate, I beg my mind to please step aside and let me find God, but my mind stares at me with steely power and says, "I will never let you pass me by."
     That whole next day, in fact, I'm so hateful and angry that I fear for the life of anyone who crosses my path. I snap at this poor German woman because she doesn't speak English well and she can't understand when I tell her where the bookstore is. I'm so ashamed of my rage that I go hide in (yet another!) bathroom and cry, and then I'm so mad at myself for crying as I remember my Guru's counsel not to fall apart all the time or else it becomes a habit... but what does she know about it? She's enlightened. She can't help me. She doesn't understand me.
     I don't want anyone to talk to me. I can't tolerate anyones face right now. I even manage to dodge Richard from Texas for a while, but e eventually finds me at dinner and sits down - brave man - in my black smoke of self-loathing.
     "What's got you all wadded up?" he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.
     "Don't ask," I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, "And worst of all, I can't stop obsessing over David. i thought I was over him, but it's all coming up again."
     He says, "Give it another six months, you'll feel better."
     "I've already given it twelve months, Richard."
     "Then give it six more. Just keep throwin' six months at it til it goes away. Stuff like this takes time."
     I exhale hotly through the nose, bull-like.
     "Groceries," Richard says, "listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on the moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. you'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it - in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India."
     "But I really loved him."
     "Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? this guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. you just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries - you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."
     "I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
     "He probably was. your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart you ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform you life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it An if you're not careful that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
     "But I love him."
     "So love him."
     "But I miss him."
     "So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
     "But I wish me and David could - "
     He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."
     This line gives me the first laugh of the day.
     Then I ask Richard, "So how long will it be before all this grieving passes?"
     "You want an exact date?"
     "Yes."
     "Somethin' you can circle on your calender?"
     "Yes."
     "Lemme tell you something, Groceries - you got some serious control issues."
     My rage at this statement consumes me like fire. Control issues? ME? I actually consider slapping Richard for this insult. An then, from right down inside the intensity of my offended outrage comes the truth. The immediate, obvious, laughable truth.
     He's totally right.
     The fire passes out of me, fast as it came.
     "You're totally right," I say.
     "I know I'm right, baby. Listen, you're a powerful woman and you're used to getting what you want out of life, and you didn't get what you wanted in your last few relationships and it's got you all jammed up. Your husband didn't behave the way you wanted him to and David didn't either. Life didn't go your way for once. And nothing pissed off a control freak more than life not going her way."
     "Don't call me a control freak, please."
     "You have got control issues, Groceries. Come on. Nobody ever told you this before?"
     (Well... yeah. But the thing about divorcing someone is that you kind of stop listening to all the mean stuff they say about you after a while.)
     So I buck up and admit it. "OK, I think you're probably right. Maybe I do have a problem with control. it's just weird that you noticed. Because I don't think it's that obvious on the surface. I mean - I bet most people can't see my control issues when they first look at me."
     Richard from Texas laughs so hard he almost loses his toothpick.
     "They can't? Honey - Ray Charles could see your control issues!"
     "OK, I think I'm done with this conversation now, thank you."
     "You gotta learn how to let go, Groceries. Otherwise you're gonna make yourself sick. Never gonna have a good night's sleep again. You'll just toss and turn forever, beatin' on yourself for being such a fiasco in life. What's wrong with me? How come I screw up all my relationships? Why am I such a failure? Lemme guess - that's probably what you were up at all hours doin' to yourself again last night."
     "All right, Richard, that's enough," I say. "I don't want you walking around in my head anymore."
     "Shut the door, then." says my big Texas Yogi.

Is it alright to say my God is like a good dog?

Excerpt I love from Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert

Chapter 3
Let me first explain why I use the word God, when I could just as easily use the words Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu or Zeus.  Alternatively, I could call God "That," which is how the ancient Sanskrit scriptures say it, and which I think comes close to the all-inclusive  and unspeakable entity I have sometimes experienced.  But that "That" feels impersonal to me - a thing, not a being - and I myself cannot pray to a That.

In the end, what I have come to believe about God is simple.  It's like this - I used to have this really great dog.  She came from the pound.  She was a mixture of about ten different breeds, but seemed to have inherited the finest features of them all.  She was brown.  When people asked me, "What kind of dog is that?"  I would always give the same answer:  "She's a brown dog."  Similarly, when the question is raised,
"What kind of God do you believe in?" my answer is easy: "I believe in a magnificent God."

mmmm - meds.

Don't worry, here I am.
Got my thyroid checked.  Normal range is 0.5 - 4.5.
Mine was 9.49
No wonder I've been so fatigued and sleeping so much.
No wonder my anxiety has been lingering.
No wonder my depression has been at an increase and also lingering.

A week ago I got my med dosage adjusted and I'm already starting to feel the difference.

I cleaned today after work!  We're talking the clutter that has piled up on the kitchen counter for two months.  Gone!

I vacuumed!

I sorted and filed!

I can't wait to go to bed!

What kind of person does something cruel to themselves like this?

I made a doctor appointment for 7:30 a.m.
Me.
Me who hits the snooze until 7:30 when I have to be to work at 8:00.

Somehow I made it out of bed at 6:50.
It was horrible, terrible, no good, very bad...
I like to sleep and sleep and sleep.
Worm or no, this bird likes to sleep in.

I went to a new doctor, new office, the whole shebang.
Had blood drawn from some snot who maybe felt like it was too early to be drawing blood.
I have a bump where the needle went in and it bled saturating the cotton ball that was covered with a Band-aid. (sorry if you're squeamish)
Wench.
I'll find out test results and hopefully understand why my energy levels are in the toilet.
Also, why I'm crabby, fatigued, anxious, depressed, irritated, carb-binging, and can't sleep at night.

After my appointment I had Mickey D's for breakfast.
...and I probably won't have it again for another five years.

Vacation in the works - New York!

Exciting news.  I've been invited to go along on a trip to the Adirondacks this summer!
My dad and step mom #2 go just about every year to visit a friend.
I've never been to New York and while it's not NYC, it's still NY.  Plans are still in the works, the when and for how long.  But it's going to work out and be fairly inexpensive.  Airfare and spending money only.
This will be a very different trip than what I'm used to.  I usually go for places with a lot of sightseeing, activities, history, etc.  I'm on the go from early morning to late evening.  I want to see everything and do everything.
This trip will force me to relax (good?) and do things like hike, fish and dare I say horseback riding? (terrified of horses)
I will not be able to research this trip to death and make the plans.  I will follow someone else's itinerary.  This is a test of how I do letting go of control!  Eeep!
This will also be my first vacation with my dad since I was about nine years old.  I'm looking forward to the quality time with him.

A trip to Ikea puts a smile on my face

I love Ikea.  I love it too much.  I loved it $400 worth yesterday.

Friday I went with the intent to buy one thing.  A new dresser for $279.  I bought the dresser, sheets, a throw pillow cover, a throw pillow, two sets of curtains and a lamp shade.

I was all gung-ho to put the dresser together but it comes in two big ol' boxes that are too heavy to lift alone (if "he" were around...anyway).  The little platform cart thingy that is for community use at my condo has been MIA all day.  The dolly has a flat tire.  I can't lift the boxes out of my truck into a grocery cart.  My plan was to kinda slide it and let it plop onto the flatbed thingy.  Then kinda slide it and let it plop onto the floor where I could commense assembly.

Hopefully tomorrow I scrouge up a friend that was also MIA all day to help me.  if I can't I plan on bringing it up board by board.  Seriously.

Really, when you think of it, that's a lot of stuff for $400.  That's what's helping me sleep at night.

14 inches to show pleasure (get your mind out of the gutter)

My Sam has a 14-inch tail (yes, I've measured).  He's a big cat.  Tall, long and a little round in the middle.  He's a cuddler, just like me, we cuddle.  He's my shadow.  He looks me in the eye when I talk to him.  I believe he brings me much happiness.
When he's not in my face or laying on my lap, there is a spot on the floor he likes to lay.  I can't see him from the couch but I know he's there.  I'll talk to him and thump goes his tail.

Where's my baby boy?

Thump.

Aren't you going to come sit on my lap?

Thump-thump.

C'mere.

Thump.

And so on...

We have such good times in our home.

No more confusing alone with lonely and isolation

Still feeling a little empty but have come to several realizations.

I'm trying to get back to the way I was before "him" but without the bitterness.

I don't want to go back to the way I was, pretending I didn't need what I received from this "relationship".  Pretending I wasn't lonely.  Pretending I didn't care. 

I think I've managed to hit all the stages of grief several times.  Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and carb binging.

Today I was motivated and got some of my flowers purchased and some of the container planting done on my balcony.  (clarification: I didn't plant the containers IN my balcony, I planted flowers IN the containers ON my balcony).

Was this song written for me?!

A set back today.  An earful of BS and tears.  He really got me where it counts.



Fool of Me

by Me'shell Ndegeocello

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space
Cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I allowed you to make me feel....
(talk)I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I?
You so easily set me aside

Chorus:
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care, but we made love
Tell me why

You made a fool of me, you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
Now when we're face to face
You won't look me in the eye
No time, no friendship, no love
You say don't touch you, I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore, anymore
Chorus ending:
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
Tell me why
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
(Talks) tell me why

Another set back

Gah.
An earfull of BS
Tears.

A friend told me I went so long shutting out everything that when I finally let "him" in, I gobbled it up, it woke something up in me and was hungry for more and more.  I missed the affection, the attention, the contentness, and the happiness.  She told me with this last relationship I saw the real mecome back.

That makes me sad.  I tried for so long to be that strong single woman that didn't need a man.  I got a taste of something that came naturally and that actually fit snuggly into my life and I fell apart when it went away.

I don't want to go back into my hole.  It's taking everything I've got to not curl up and disappear for a while.

Starting to snap out of it

After nearly four weeks of feeling down and out I am finally starting to get myself to get on with my life.

Tonight I didn't come home and sleep.  I didn't even feel the strong urge to.  I think part of it is that I didn't think of "him" for almost four hours straight.  Record!  It's so exhausting being sad and it really just isn't my thang.

I came home and immediately threw in a couple loads of laundry and grabbed a bite to eat (leftover fried rice - soooo good!).  I'll do two more loads and feel complete (no, I won't be done with laundry but what's left will fit in the hamper).

I'm taking my 4 1/2 hours of comp time tomorrow.  The Libster has to pack up and move out of her dorm/apartment.  It's already the end of her school year   I'll take her to lunch and help her pack.  I ain't moving nuthin' though.  I'm trying to talk the girl into getting a job for the summer at a movie theater so I can she can see movies for free.  I keep everyone up to date on that as I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats.

First loads of wash are done.  I gotta get to them before some perv is sorting through my underoos.

Light bulbs on all over

I think I just stumbled upon the most brilliant idea I've ever had.

She loves to clean. (I know, it's disgusting).

I hate to clean.  I'd rather stick needles under my fingernails.

I love to do hair.

Do you see where I'm going here?

She was all for it.  I do her hair (color & cut) once a month and she cleans my place once a month.  She charges $25/hour.  She usually gives me $50 - $60 to do her hair.

I'll vacuum and do whatever touch ups inbetween.

We'll work out the details for her starting in a couple weeks.

This is so friggin' exciting.

I'll spill a little because I just need to get a little out

I've pretty much kept to myself over this "breakup".  Mainly because I'm surprised at myself for falling for him, for not expressing my feelings before he left, for missing him, and yes, for crying.  It's a little humiliating, a little pathetic.  I wasn't looking for this and now I want it and it's gone.
It's only been three weeks but it's been the longest three weeks I've lived through in a long, long time.  I think about him all day and fight the urge to contact him.  I did once, a couple of weeks ago, the ball is in his court.  He's not throwing back.
I get home from work and sleep so I don't have to think.  Plus I'm exhausted from all the thinking.  I go workout then I come home and sleep some more but never before midnight.
I put on a happy face and go on with my usual activities but I know I'm a little withdrawn.  I don't look for advice; I don't want advice. I know what to do but staring into space and wallowing in self-pity is sometimes a better alternative in my eyes... my red, puffy eyes.
This past week has been a little better but I don't get over these feelings quickly - I feel deeply.  I can't be friends because I want more.  I understand that sometimes the feelings are only one sided.  Some relationships just don't work and you can't make them.  I hate all that.
I suppose one good thing is that whole part of going to the gym a lot.

Some changes

I made a page tab for "What I'm Reading".  I'm sticking to list format only.

I'm starating a new blog for running and running related things.  This will keep it seperate from all the garbley gook that comes out here.

Run, Fat Girl!  Run!

Run, Fat Girl, Run

Starting today I'm going to attempt to run again.
In the spring of 2004, I ran for three months, challenging myself every step of the way.  I lost weight and felt good.  Then one day I ran and I just became thoroughly exhausted only five minutes in.  I was horribly fatigued for several weeks.  I stopped - for good.  Turns out it was my thyroid levels that were out of whack.  By the time I got them back to where they should be I lost interest in running.  I was afraid of getting that intense fatigued feeling again.
All these years I've talked about starting again but, well, I was lazy.  Now that I've been working out consistently for the past six weeks or so, I'm feeling stronger and motivated.  I'm ready to add to my workout.
Thanks to Laurie's blog I'm determined to start again.  Also on her blog I found a link to another blog and according to this schedule, I'm going to work my butt off - quite literally.
Tonight I started on the treadmill at the gym.  Booooring!  I knew I didn't like running on a treadmill but it was late and dark out and it was my only option (other than putting it off another day).  So, I will definitely be taking this to the great outdoors.
After my run/walk, I stopped at Kohl's and bought a new sports bra, socks and workout shorts.  I will need to buy new running shoes but what I have now will due for a couple weeks.
Wish me luck!
Now I have to work on my playlist...

My mom, the "copter" pilot

My mom and stepdad were in Hawaii this past Feb. for a few weeks (yeah, they got it like that).  My mom, who is terrified of heights sent me this text:

I'm going to be a helicopter pilot.
We went on one w/o doors.
Steve cried like a little girl.

She also said later texted later that if she had her "copter license" she could get somewhere faster.

Me: I don't think anyone would fly with a pilot that calls a chopper a "copter".

Momma: The one with the license can call it whatever they want.

I love my momma.

I deserve the world handed to me on a platter.

I deserve someone who wants to be with only me.
I deserve someone who adores me.
I deserve someone who can't wait to see me again.
I deserve someone who thinks about me all day, missing me, and lets me know.
I deserve someone who doesn't make excuses.
I deserve someone who is better.

I know, this is getting depressing.  Just imagine if you had to listen to this in your head all day.  It gets damn exhausting, I tell you.  I'm too old for this, I should know better by now.  Tsk.

long week of too much brain activity

This has been the longest week ever.  I'm pretty sure there have been several hours added to each day and I'm pretty sure the hours have been longer than 60 minutes each.  I don't know if this is legal.
Many of those extra hours I have spent staring off into space, deep in thought or hardly thinking.  Sometimes trying to close my eyes for sleep that doesn't come.
Distractions are good to keep my mind off "things" but I'm someone who sometimes needs to be alone to let all the thinking out.

I'm a hooper

Hula hooper that is.

About a week and a half ago I bought a weighted hula hoop. A friend of mine ordered one and I had to get one for myself. A coworker of hers has been using one for about three weeks and has already lost about two inches off her waist.

I tried hooping a few years ago and couldn't keep the hoop up. And before that it had been since high school at least.

I bought the four pound Acu hoop, started last Tuesday at one minute and have worked my way up to about three and a half minutes.



Directions say to only do one to three minutes the first week. The second week three to five. Eventually working your way up to two ten minute sessions a day, never doing more than 20 minutes a day.

I took measurements before starting and will wait until four weeks to take them again.

Stay tuned...

A un-wide range of emotion

Blah.
Ick.
Phooey.
Crap.
Dangit.
Son of a biscuit.
Sniffle.
Wah.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

speed bump ahead

I have never had thick skin when it came to matters of the heart. It's who I am. I'm sensitive.

I went in feeling tough with walls built high and strong then gradually, bit by bit, I let down the walls I spent far too long building. I won't lie, as the walls came down it felt good. There was a certain feel of relief, comfort and, surprisingly, security. I could breathe and the air was fresh and I wanted to keep breathing it. I felt confident and secure and was having fun.

I let the walls down and now I'm in trouble.

I'm struggling with what I allow myself to do from here. I may loose my common sense and make decisions with my heart rather than my mind. Will the decisions I make hurt me more? Is this just a bump in the road, a stupid, arrogant, self-absorbed, oblivious, thoughtless, clueless, bump in the road?

DIY ADD

Seems I have a problem and it's become quite apparent. I've got too much going on at one time.

I love DIY projects but this time I've taken on more than I can handle.

I tiled my entry way - a 25 sq ft area - a couple of weeks ago. I still have a bit of a mess to pick up from it.

Last Friday I put in a new bathroom sink. I can't get it to stop leaking. Everything that was under the sink is spread out in the bathroom.

I painted a mirror frame in the middle of it all.

I've decided not take on any more projects until I get my shit together.

Oh, I've got a brilliant closet plan in the works...

Sox

This is the email I received from my mom this afternoon:

I have 49 pairs of socks, not including those knee high black or white
trouser stockings. I think I will go get another pair to make it an
even 50. No. Wait. Maybe you want some of my old socks. Gosh, let
me know.

I'm hoping she's just going through and thinning out her clothes. Otherwise, why would one count socks?

And no, I don't want her socks.

Dad goes to the hospital for stent and Brazilians

My dad went in to get another stent put in the artery that was 70% blocked. He did really well and felt pretty good after the procedure. Apparently the doctors keep you awake during the procedure.
It took about an hour and I asked him if he could feel anything. He said not so much but twice he had them give them some drug so he could go to sleep. He said he got bored...
He also informed me that he got a Brazilian wax. His tone was that he seemed pretty impressed by it and maybe a little proud of it.

Me: What?
Dad: yeah, they did both sides because they didn't know what side they'd go in.
Me: No, that's not a Brazilian, Brazilians are all the way back. zip, up the back side.
Dad: psshh. They didn't do that. I don't want them to do that.

Thak you Jeezus he didn't request one.

They should change their name to The Sucky McSuckertons

My dad and I went to see The Chieftains in concert last night. I was really excited all week. Sadly it was a let down (except for the dancing). Between the poor sound system, the coo-coo's swaying and bobbing their heads in front of us and the woman in my perifrail vision checking her phone everying five minutes, it was enough to go a little postal.

We left an hour later during intermission to go have dessert at the French Meadow.

OMG You're so skinny!

Someone at work thought I look skinny today.

The scale doesn't say anything different and I'm far from skinny but I'll take the compliment to keep moving foward.

I donated all my "fat" jeans.

One things for sure, I have to get into the gym again. I've been busy and L-A-Z-Y!

Online dating

I don't like writing the profile.
It becomes trite, corny, generic and impersonal.
Someone do it for me, I have to finish watching Benjamin Button.

Feeling blah

I'm feeling sad today.
Some feeling in my heart feels empty.
I can't find the cause though.
I'm feeling unsettled.
I've got that "I want to run away" feeling.
I worry too much about other people.
I want to fix everything.
I'm restless.
I'm missing someone more than I should.
I need a vacation.

January 25th

Today I turn 38.
My sister turns 19.
She is the same age I was when she was born.
She is half my age; I am twice hers.
Two family members have thought I was going to be 37.
It forced me to do the math.
Nope, I'm still 38.

Because we're twins

My little sister and I have the same birthday. We were born 19 years apart almost to the minute.

She is now going to be 19. For the past couple of years there has been talk of getting a tattoo of the Aquarius symbol. We found our design and I waited until she was ready.

We got our ink done on Saturday night. I am very pleased with how they turned out.