Vacation in the works - New York!

Exciting news.  I've been invited to go along on a trip to the Adirondacks this summer!
My dad and step mom #2 go just about every year to visit a friend.
I've never been to New York and while it's not NYC, it's still NY.  Plans are still in the works, the when and for how long.  But it's going to work out and be fairly inexpensive.  Airfare and spending money only.
This will be a very different trip than what I'm used to.  I usually go for places with a lot of sightseeing, activities, history, etc.  I'm on the go from early morning to late evening.  I want to see everything and do everything.
This trip will force me to relax (good?) and do things like hike, fish and dare I say horseback riding? (terrified of horses)
I will not be able to research this trip to death and make the plans.  I will follow someone else's itinerary.  This is a test of how I do letting go of control!  Eeep!
This will also be my first vacation with my dad since I was about nine years old.  I'm looking forward to the quality time with him.

A trip to Ikea puts a smile on my face

I love Ikea.  I love it too much.  I loved it $400 worth yesterday.

Friday I went with the intent to buy one thing.  A new dresser for $279.  I bought the dresser, sheets, a throw pillow cover, a throw pillow, two sets of curtains and a lamp shade.

I was all gung-ho to put the dresser together but it comes in two big ol' boxes that are too heavy to lift alone (if "he" were around...anyway).  The little platform cart thingy that is for community use at my condo has been MIA all day.  The dolly has a flat tire.  I can't lift the boxes out of my truck into a grocery cart.  My plan was to kinda slide it and let it plop onto the flatbed thingy.  Then kinda slide it and let it plop onto the floor where I could commense assembly.

Hopefully tomorrow I scrouge up a friend that was also MIA all day to help me.  if I can't I plan on bringing it up board by board.  Seriously.

Really, when you think of it, that's a lot of stuff for $400.  That's what's helping me sleep at night.

14 inches to show pleasure (get your mind out of the gutter)

My Sam has a 14-inch tail (yes, I've measured).  He's a big cat.  Tall, long and a little round in the middle.  He's a cuddler, just like me, we cuddle.  He's my shadow.  He looks me in the eye when I talk to him.  I believe he brings me much happiness.
When he's not in my face or laying on my lap, there is a spot on the floor he likes to lay.  I can't see him from the couch but I know he's there.  I'll talk to him and thump goes his tail.

Where's my baby boy?

Thump.

Aren't you going to come sit on my lap?

Thump-thump.

C'mere.

Thump.

And so on...

We have such good times in our home.

No more confusing alone with lonely and isolation

Still feeling a little empty but have come to several realizations.

I'm trying to get back to the way I was before "him" but without the bitterness.

I don't want to go back to the way I was, pretending I didn't need what I received from this "relationship".  Pretending I wasn't lonely.  Pretending I didn't care. 

I think I've managed to hit all the stages of grief several times.  Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and carb binging.

Today I was motivated and got some of my flowers purchased and some of the container planting done on my balcony.  (clarification: I didn't plant the containers IN my balcony, I planted flowers IN the containers ON my balcony).

Was this song written for me?!

A set back today.  An earful of BS and tears.  He really got me where it counts.



Fool of Me

by Me'shell Ndegeocello

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space
Cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I allowed you to make me feel....
(talk)I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I?
You so easily set me aside

Chorus:
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care, but we made love
Tell me why

You made a fool of me, you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
Now when we're face to face
You won't look me in the eye
No time, no friendship, no love
You say don't touch you, I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you anymore, anymore
Chorus ending:
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
Tell me why
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
(Talks) tell me why

Another set back

Gah.
An earfull of BS
Tears.

A friend told me I went so long shutting out everything that when I finally let "him" in, I gobbled it up, it woke something up in me and was hungry for more and more.  I missed the affection, the attention, the contentness, and the happiness.  She told me with this last relationship I saw the real mecome back.

That makes me sad.  I tried for so long to be that strong single woman that didn't need a man.  I got a taste of something that came naturally and that actually fit snuggly into my life and I fell apart when it went away.

I don't want to go back into my hole.  It's taking everything I've got to not curl up and disappear for a while.

Starting to snap out of it

After nearly four weeks of feeling down and out I am finally starting to get myself to get on with my life.

Tonight I didn't come home and sleep.  I didn't even feel the strong urge to.  I think part of it is that I didn't think of "him" for almost four hours straight.  Record!  It's so exhausting being sad and it really just isn't my thang.

I came home and immediately threw in a couple loads of laundry and grabbed a bite to eat (leftover fried rice - soooo good!).  I'll do two more loads and feel complete (no, I won't be done with laundry but what's left will fit in the hamper).

I'm taking my 4 1/2 hours of comp time tomorrow.  The Libster has to pack up and move out of her dorm/apartment.  It's already the end of her school year   I'll take her to lunch and help her pack.  I ain't moving nuthin' though.  I'm trying to talk the girl into getting a job for the summer at a movie theater so I can she can see movies for free.  I keep everyone up to date on that as I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats.

First loads of wash are done.  I gotta get to them before some perv is sorting through my underoos.

Light bulbs on all over

I think I just stumbled upon the most brilliant idea I've ever had.

She loves to clean. (I know, it's disgusting).

I hate to clean.  I'd rather stick needles under my fingernails.

I love to do hair.

Do you see where I'm going here?

She was all for it.  I do her hair (color & cut) once a month and she cleans my place once a month.  She charges $25/hour.  She usually gives me $50 - $60 to do her hair.

I'll vacuum and do whatever touch ups inbetween.

We'll work out the details for her starting in a couple weeks.

This is so friggin' exciting.

I'll spill a little because I just need to get a little out

I've pretty much kept to myself over this "breakup".  Mainly because I'm surprised at myself for falling for him, for not expressing my feelings before he left, for missing him, and yes, for crying.  It's a little humiliating, a little pathetic.  I wasn't looking for this and now I want it and it's gone.
It's only been three weeks but it's been the longest three weeks I've lived through in a long, long time.  I think about him all day and fight the urge to contact him.  I did once, a couple of weeks ago, the ball is in his court.  He's not throwing back.
I get home from work and sleep so I don't have to think.  Plus I'm exhausted from all the thinking.  I go workout then I come home and sleep some more but never before midnight.
I put on a happy face and go on with my usual activities but I know I'm a little withdrawn.  I don't look for advice; I don't want advice. I know what to do but staring into space and wallowing in self-pity is sometimes a better alternative in my eyes... my red, puffy eyes.
This past week has been a little better but I don't get over these feelings quickly - I feel deeply.  I can't be friends because I want more.  I understand that sometimes the feelings are only one sided.  Some relationships just don't work and you can't make them.  I hate all that.
I suppose one good thing is that whole part of going to the gym a lot.

Some changes

I made a page tab for "What I'm Reading".  I'm sticking to list format only.

I'm starating a new blog for running and running related things.  This will keep it seperate from all the garbley gook that comes out here.

Run, Fat Girl!  Run!