One of those days

Or weeks or months...

I'm incredibly fatigued. I'm moving in a fog. I could drop at anytime to take a long nap. I have no energy. Yet by the time I get in bed I toss and turn for an hour or sometimes two. I sleep light and wake up at the slightest sounds. I feel like I have sand in my eyes.

This has been going on for a couple weeks I guess. I'm hoping it's one of those things... again. I usually do pretty well at ignoring the fatigue and just working through it but all the sleeplessness is catching up with me and I feel really run down. Not even exhausted. If I were exhausted I could fall into a deep sleep. I'm just running out of gas.... put-put-put-pbbbttttt!


On a funny note, I went to the doctor yesterday and the nurse was going over my meds I'm taking. Listed are the OTC drops and gel I use for my eyes. The brand is called "Genteal". The nurse asks, "Are you still using the Genital drops"? I start laughing and correct her but she didn't see what was so funny. Whatevah. The shit's still funny to me.

Ramblings

Last Saturday was my "new" step mom's birthday. When saying my goodbyes at the party my younger brother, Max, asked if I could cut his hair then Libby chimed in, wanted to cut a lot of hair off. We planned it for Wednesday (last night). Libby sees my dad every Wednesday for dinner so my dad invited me to eat with them since I'd be around. Great.

I cut hair last night at my "old" step mom's (5 1/2" off Libby's bringing it mid neck! - VERY CUTE!) and my dad comes to pick up Libby. I say hello, have my jacket on. My dad asks "What are you going to do?" I say, "I'm going with you." Oh, well, we're going out to eat for Jesse's b-day (my older brother) so we'll have to change the party from five people to seven." (Max was coming too). Fine, we'll meet them there. Nice. Max and I weren't invited? Once we get to the restaurant I mentioned to my dad that he had invited me to dinner last weekend. He said, "I know I forgot until I saw you." Nice.

Oh well, Libby entertained me most of the time quoting almost all of Napoleon Dynamite and feeling each other's muscles in various parts of our bodies. May I brag that I have more muscle in feel and form than my 15 year old sister who plays sports. Okay, so she won, hands down, on the stomach but she was really impressed with the form of my calve muscles.

She also entertained me by eating a mussel (something new she was going to try). It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever watched. She ended up spitting it out after something crunched. I personally wouldn't try them because I have a limit to what I will try when it comes to food. Mussels are not anywhere on that list. Libby said the experience will haunt her for a while. Me too, I think.

I'm tired of it

I'm tired of listening to my boss whisper conversations to the woman he's cheating on his girlfriend with.

I'm tired of my boss' micro-managing to the point nobody knows anything and I can't complete anything w/o his okay first.

I'm tired of not being able answer questions because of the above.

I'm tired of making copies one for my file, one for my bosses file - the files are six feet from each other.

I'm tired of not having anything to do because my boss has to do it all himself.

I'm tired of listening to loud power tools.

I'm tired of not having much interaction with anyone; of being isolated at work.I'm tired of this place.

Dating

I was listening to a morning show on the radio on the way into work and it got me thinking. They were talking to women who have been single for quite some time. One woman they talked to has been single for 10 years and can't remember the last time she went on a date. On the show these people were calling into talk to Gary Spivey who is a regular guest on the show. I don't know if I believe in what he does but some "revelations" are interesting. Besides the fact that he looks like a freak, he's entertaining.
Anyway, he was telling these woman things such as "you're in denial" or "you're angry with men" blah, blah, blah. So, it got me thinking, why haven't I dated anyone for almost 2 years? Why have I been single for 3 1/2 years?
My thoughts: I am completely terrified of feeling happy, content, and in love with anyone because it will just end in heartbreak. It always does so why would the next time be any different. My attitude is "why bother". It's a depressing attitude but yet I look to the future and I don't see myself with anyone. I've never been the type of person who needs a companion. I also didn't start thinking about getting married until I was about 28-29. When I was growing up (all the way until 28-29) I said I wasn't going to get married - marriage ends in divorce. It was all around me, marriage doesn't work, why would I even bother?
The woman who has been single for 10 years, he told her that she was still in love with a past love. She agreed that it was her daughter's father although she hasn't spoken to him in quite some time and he remarried etc. So, Gary got rid of some of her "dark energy" and "demons" and she felt "light and tingly". But it hit close to home for me. I know exactly who I'm hung up on and I know that's not healthy. I also know that I'm only in love with the person he used to be and that he is now an ex for a reason.
I go back and forth thinking it might be nice to share my life and love with someone. I have so much to give. And now that all of my friends are married and are happy and starting families, I guess they've become my role models on successful relationships and I'm warming to the idea that it all just may work.

Now I'm depressed.

Graduation ceremony

Accepting Diploma

Hugging my sister

I think I was grinning like this through the entire ceremony!

These pictures prove I need a tan, badly!