My grandpa died

My grandpa died last night. I'm completely numb over it. It's not real at all. I even woke up this morning wondering if it were a dream. But man, I slept so well last night. I didn't wake up once.

My mom called last night at 9:07. She was crying She and my uncle were there. As the nurses were helping my grandpa get ready for bed he became "combative" pushing and yelling, I guess. They gave him a sedative. My mom and uncle went to get some coffee. They came back, my grandpa's breathing had changed and gradually faded. I'm glad he wasn't alone.


I can honestly say that my grandpa was the kindest most tender loving, gentle man I've ever met in my life. He was such a good person. I'm so lucky to have had him in my life.


My grandma and grandpa's wedding Sept. 16, 1939

My grandpa about age 5 - 1919

Oh! Hello zit!

Make yourself comfy on my cheek there. While you're at it, go ahead and become even more painful and red and noticeable. I don't mind. I like you there. I like to watch your progression throughout the day. You know, you're my first major zit in about six months. This is so nostalgic. Of course, if you have to leave, don't let me keep you.

'Nother dream

The only part I remember of a dream I had last night is that I was at a reunion or party and the guy I've recently been in touch with (through Classmates.com) from Jr. High came up to me and asked me to dance. It was a slow song and I remember he held me close so that our cheeks touched. His cheek was warm and comforting and I really enjoyed dancing with him. My dream men are the best!

Touching

My dad and I aren't what I consider close. For the most part, I spend a lot of time with him but we have very few heart-to-hearts. I'm not sure why this is. I love him to pieces but he's never been the one I turn to in troubled times. A lot of that may be due to the fact that he and my mom were divorced when I was six so I didn't grow up with him in the house. He wasn't active in my upbringing. Anyway, over the past ten years or so, I'm learning who my dad is as a person rather than just "dad".

I have always (and still do this) wanted to be that perfect daughter. The one that doesn't do anything wrong, the one that does the right thing, has her act together. I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't know where I got this. Perhaps I thrive on his being proud of me. It's silly but if something is wrong (depression, anxiety, whatever) I am less than perfect. Very silly. I'm the one who has never been in trouble with the law, I graduated high school, I went to college, I've never - yes, never - have asked for money, I have a new car, and now, I'm a homeowner on my own. Gosh, this is silly. Where did I get these ideas?

I really haven't talked to him about my anxiety and depression (mentioned it but not in detail) but I have talked to my step mom. Last night I went to their house for dinner and before I left my dad talked to me a little. He told me he suffered from anxiety when he was in Vietnam. He didn't know what it was though, he thought it was from smoking too much. He gave me some advice on what he did then and what he does now to deal when he gets anxious.

I told him it's all getting better everyday. He told me "I love you and you're very precious to me. I just want you to be happy". Got me right in the heart with that one. I know he loves me, I know he adores me but I didn't expect all that and it really touched me.


See? I need counseling for more than depression and anxiety I shall get to the bottom of this. I'm going to be happier than hell someday!!

Strangest dreams lately

Occasionally I have dreams about an ex boyfriend from high school. We dated for several months during school and then for about two years after. I have never had so much fun with someone. I also was lost when we broke up. I have seen him a few times since but now not for five years. I still think about him a lot, a lot and I have dreams about him quite a bit as well.

In the dreams we are usually a couple yet for some reason it's difficult for us to be together. In the past week or so I've had a couple of dreams about him. In one, we actually got married. I remember being so happy and thinking FINALLY we're together like we were meant to be.

I wonder what he's up to these days.....

Tuesday

Well, I made it through another day. Last night I felt completely normal from right before I got off work until I woke up this morning. Then it starts all over again. The constant churning/butterflies in my stomach, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, distraction, can't sit still, numb/tingly arms.... But, it's better than it was a week ago, right?

Another weekend under my belt

I survived the weekend with only about four breakdowns. The constant butterflies and tight chest, verge of tears, shaking, quick breaths, etc, etc, are still there none stop but an actual breakdown of tears and sadness was "minimal" considering.

I went to church on Sunday. The first time I've ever gone one my own accord. I went by myself. It was also the first time I've been to church in several years. I've tried those big auditorium churches a couple times with some friends and didn't like them. Before that it was about ten years since going. So, I found a Lutheran church. It was very comforting just sitting in there before the service. I don't feel like I got anything out of the service itself but it was calming being there. I'm searching for something. I'm not sure and maybe I'll find it there. I'll go again.


I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. This anxiety and depression is really taking it's toll. I'm tired of struggling through fighting the feelings off all day. I just want to be normal again.

Noise

I called the property manager for my condo association to complain about the upstairs neighbor. Normally I should try to resolve issues myself but I didn't feel comfortable confronting this person.

I don't hear anything out of the upstairs person? People? All day or evening. I know someone is up there because I can hear walking on creaky floors directly above my bedroom.

Every night since I've moved in I have woken up to a woman yelling between 1:00 am and 3 am.
One night at 9:30 pm I was hanging a towel rack in the bathroom and I could hear someone in the bathroom. At this time I couldn't tell where the talking was coming from but a woman kept saying "God damn you" over and over and over. Then a guy came in and asked "what did I do?" She just kept responding "God damn you". I thought it was next door but now I'm thinking it's upstairs because last night I woke up to stomping and slamming and yelling directly above me at 3 am. Last night it was the woman yelling "I'm the man! You're not the man, I'm the man" over and over. It's funny but not at the time. Perhaps she's mentally ill? Who yells this kind of thing?!

I've heard the yelling every night and could never figure out where it was coming from - upstairs? Next door? Next door and upstairs? Next door and downstairs? Since the windows have been open it carries outdoors.

Anyway, I can't deal with it much longer, I'm loosing sleep so I contacted Julie, the manager. She's going to send the unit a letter. She said she's had "dealings" with this unit before but never for noise. She also said she just has listed that there is one woman in the unit. No mention of a man.

Anyway, she won't get the message this weekend since it's in letter form but I did something about it for now. If it continues on or if it's not the unit above me, I'll have to start knocking on doors??? And say what? Are you the one yelling in the middle of the night? How does one go about doing this without knowing 100% which unit it's coming from.Otherwise it's wonderfully quiet there!!

More pity

I found a good website about depression and anxiety. This excerpt has been especially true for the past year. I thought is was very interesting:

Relationships with others often become highly distressing to the individual, and
although they want closeness, they often respond with anger, criticism or
withdrawing further increasing their feelings of isolation and loneliness. The
longer you wait, the more tenacious the depression becomes. It never completely
goes away by itself, but rather, it may appear to go away simply to return when
you are in a highly stressed state.

I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit I suffer from depression or have a problem with anxiety, but I'm afraid of seeking help. Isn't that the silliest thing?

Leaning on friends

Why don't I allow myself to lean on my friends when I'm having a hard time? I have such awesome friends! I guess I just feel like I'm burdening them. I feel like crying is showing I'm not in control and not a strong person. Crazy, I know.

It's just hard for me to just call and say, Hey! I'm hurting! I actually CAN'T control everything I'm feeling! I want to cry and cry. Can I use your shoulder?

My good, good friend e-mailed me today, gradually I got around to talking to her about it. She sad and hurting for me now. She said I have to, have to call when I'm feeling sad. She said she's so sad that I was hurting by myself.

I went to lunch with a friend today, talked with her about it because she's had anxiety problems before. She e-mailed me just now "about our conversation today, I hope you feel better. Let me know if I can do anything for you".Friends make hard times so much more bearable

Mornings are tough

Mornings are so difficult. Maybe because I'm thinking I have to get through another day.

I just got a call from someone. He asked how was my new place. He said by the ton of my voice it didn't seem alright. I told him I've been lonely and trying to make the place a home. He said, "yeah, you probably got used to living with your mom". After I hung up with him I started crying. Shit! I did so well for two days of no crying and here I am at work crying.

My anxiety is in overdrive, I'm close to a panic attack and that makes me feel worse. I have to keep telling myself that I can do this, I can get through this. I'll be alright. Breathe....

I want these feelings to be over now. I want to go home. I need to see/talk to my mom but I'll keep crying then. I want to be over feeling so lousy. I'm tired of fighting to control my feelings everyday.

Random thoughts for the day

The thing about anxiety and depression is that more than anything I'd love to crawl back in bed and cry yet I'm too restless to do it. Not to mention, I can barely breath. Short quick breaths is what I've been taking. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe.

Nobody at work here knows whats going on. I'm afraid if I tell anyone here I'd lose it and cry all day. With them not knowing, I can control the feelings until I get home. I've even had thoughts of going to Medical and asking the nurse if I can just sit in one of her rooms and cry for a bit.

Today my stomach really hurts from the constant butterfly and flipping feeling.

It's storming now, it wasn't suppose to rain today and I left my bedroom window open. The rain goes straight in.

My friend came to visit and see my new place last night. I was looking forward to talking to her but she brought her husband along. So, she still has no idea how I've been feeling.

My doctor appointment went well yesterday. She increased my dosage of Zoloft and I was able to make an appointment with a phychologist for the 19th. I'm going to try to get something earlier...

I've lost 5 lbs. in the past five days from not being able to eat. Not that I can't stand to loose the weight, it's just a bad way of going about it.

I forgot Sam's birthday I felt like such a bad kitty momma. His 5th b-day was Sunday the 4th.

I'm starting to worry about the money part. Where's it going to come from?

I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better.

Among other things

Anxiety sucks the big one

I was excited about big move until the next morning. Since then I've been experiencing multiple symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks that I just can't explain.

• crying a lot (sobbing)
• can't catch breath
• tight chest
• butterflies
• tingly arms
• restlessness
• very lonely
• hungry but no appetite - I didn't even want chocolate ice cream! Three bites and I was done!
• racing heart
• feeling overwhelemed (about what?)
• exhausted
• clenching jaw
• tension in face
• dull, slight headache
• want to stay in bed
• don't want to leave my condo but when I do, I don't want to return
• distracted/no concentration

Thank goodness for my family and friends.

I was told that people go through all kinds of emotions when they purchase a home. The only thing I haven't freaked out about is how the hell I'm going to live my life and pay these payments. It's going to be tight. Just another thing to add to my worries now.

I have a hard time going to my friends and asking for help or just coming out and saying, "I'm having a hard time, I need you". I know they're there for me, it's just hard for me to admit I can't handle something.

I keep getting told that these feelings will pass and things will get better. I just want those feelings now. It scares me not to have control of my feelings.

I've gotten through some trying times, I can get through this. I just need time.... time.... time... time....

Still no good

Everyday gets a little better but I'm still crying a lot. I'm suffering from some major anxiety attacks. I have a doctor appointment this afternoon for that.

I'm not so sure what I'm so anxious about. But they come on long and strong. My goal today is to not cry at work today. I'm doing a lot of deep breathing.


I'm not sure what my problem is....

Overflowing emotions

This is not what I imagined. I will try to compose myself as I sit here in the library.

I moved in on Thursday. That went well and the first evening went well. I unpacked quite a bit and went to bed at about 10:30.

At 10:40 someone started playing music LOUDLY for about four songs. Then it stopped. Someone next door? had their TV on loud enough to keep me awake. Plus I heard people talking from inside the building. I finally moved out the the couch at about 11:30 and slept for about an hour. Then moved back to the bedroom and tossed and turned from the TV until 2:30 I must have fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Up at 8:00 the next morning and everything came rushing down on me. What have I gotten myself into? I don't belong here. I want to go home. I'm so, so lonely.

I finally called my mom at about 9:15 and cried on the phone to her. I love my mom to death. I never thought I would have this intense loneliness. I'm going to miss having other people around to say good morning to and good night to. To tell them how my day went and just BE there with others.

Last night I slept pretty well. Fortunately there wasn't any noise. I slept fro 9:30 - 8. I think I was exhausted from crying almost the entire day. So far, today hasn't been much better. I'm glad I got some sleep. I'm so glad I have my boys - they're doing great.

Another reason I'm probably crying a lot is that I'm finally letting everything out that was building up. The stress of closing, my grandpa being so sick, moving and now the loneliness.
Whew, I made it through this with nothing more than a huge lump in my throat.
But where do I belong? Where is my home? When will I stop crying? I want to go home. I want my mom. This sucks so bad right now.