Touching

My dad and I aren't what I consider close. For the most part, I spend a lot of time with him but we have very few heart-to-hearts. I'm not sure why this is. I love him to pieces but he's never been the one I turn to in troubled times. A lot of that may be due to the fact that he and my mom were divorced when I was six so I didn't grow up with him in the house. He wasn't active in my upbringing. Anyway, over the past ten years or so, I'm learning who my dad is as a person rather than just "dad".

I have always (and still do this) wanted to be that perfect daughter. The one that doesn't do anything wrong, the one that does the right thing, has her act together. I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't know where I got this. Perhaps I thrive on his being proud of me. It's silly but if something is wrong (depression, anxiety, whatever) I am less than perfect. Very silly. I'm the one who has never been in trouble with the law, I graduated high school, I went to college, I've never - yes, never - have asked for money, I have a new car, and now, I'm a homeowner on my own. Gosh, this is silly. Where did I get these ideas?

I really haven't talked to him about my anxiety and depression (mentioned it but not in detail) but I have talked to my step mom. Last night I went to their house for dinner and before I left my dad talked to me a little. He told me he suffered from anxiety when he was in Vietnam. He didn't know what it was though, he thought it was from smoking too much. He gave me some advice on what he did then and what he does now to deal when he gets anxious.

I told him it's all getting better everyday. He told me "I love you and you're very precious to me. I just want you to be happy". Got me right in the heart with that one. I know he loves me, I know he adores me but I didn't expect all that and it really touched me.


See? I need counseling for more than depression and anxiety I shall get to the bottom of this. I'm going to be happier than hell someday!!