Nap attack!

Friday is the only day of the work week that I allow myself to fall asleep after work. I look forward to this nap all week. I love me some naps!
However, when I take naps, they are not 20-30 minute naps. They tend to be about two hours. As was the case today. I came home dragging, laid on my stomach crosswise on my bed and shut my eyes. Two hours later I woke up with the striped pattern from my bedspread permanently embedded on my face, Sam licking my cheek and a Harley rumbling and sputtering outside.
Now, here I am at my neighbors checking on her cat while she enjoys a much needed vacation, sitting on her computer with dial-up service.
I know how to live it up.

Living on the edge

Ever have those quick lived desires to do something crazy? Like, drive with your eyes closed, don't lock your doors at night or leave a candle burning unattended?

Okay the first thing may be a bit like living OVER the edge... and I've unfortunately done the candle thing.

This morning I when I was leaving I saw that I left my door unlocked. Although I'm obviously here, I'm fine, alive, all that good stuff, I instantly paniced. OH MY GOD! I LEFT THE DOOR UNLOCKED! Heart racing. What was I thinking?!

I should have been thinking that I live in a secure building and the door was simply unlocked, not left wide open. Instead I think, how many people came in and watched me sleep?

Let's talk nonsense

Since about Sunday, I’ve had increasingly gotten more and more uncomfortable in my skin. I’m sure some of it is lack of some nutrient and physical exercise but it’s also stress. I don’t stress much on a day-to-day basis. It’s usually something that triggers it and it sits and stews in my mind and spreads throughout my body. I carry stress in my neck and shoulders and face and right now I can’t relieve the pain. It’s tight. My shoulders, my arms, my legs, even my forehead are in constant need of being stretched and massaged, like I’m constricting in on myself. I can think about the oddest things and dwell on them. Of course there is the country’s financial state. I don’t concern myself with the details because I don’t understand them. I do concern myself with the tone of the news and how it’s affecting those around me. I absorb others’ stress. I’m sleeping hard but waking exhausted. My eye is twitching.

This weekend I watched The Savages and had the sudden desire to call my mom and ask her to clarify what she wants me to do if she were to become ill and/or die. How morbid is that? What terrible thoughts. Especially since I plan on my mom living forever. I can’t and won’t imagine my life without her. Probably the only reason I didn’t call her was because I didn’t want to bother her with such an insane question while she was enjoying her road trip through South Dakota, Utah, Colorado and wherever else. I know she’s already got her wishes expressed in her will but I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with the ifs and whens. I held back the dialing and just tucked the thoughts away. I’ll ask her at a more appropriate time (which translates to: when I’m sobbing uncontrollably and my back has gone out from the tension).

Let’s add to that the daily thoughts of having a significant other and children – and whether I will have (or want) either (this is for another day). And I’m starting that whole stressing about aging thing. I keep telling myself, when I’m 50 I’ll wish I was 36 again.

So, I continue stretching and trying to rub away the knots, cracking my neck, back and fingers and sleeping and thinking.

Does Calgon really work?

Insomnia

Occasionally, I go through bouts of insomnia. I can't get to sleep no matter how tired I am. It's not that I'm worried about anything or have anything pressing on my mind. I just can't sleep.

The past four nights I've been fighting it again. I read for a while then try to sleep and get up and read again if I continue to toss and turn. Once I've given into the fact that I can't make myself sleep, I start thinking of the most randome things.

1. I have to make a dentist appointment.
2. I think of all the different updos I want to do on a wedding party coming up.
3. Is laying on my stomach, face smooshed on the pillow, going to give me wrinkles or zits?
4. It's so nice to have the windows open and sleep with the fan on. But will I have a sore throat in the morning?
5. Roasted chicken with lemon, garlic and rosemary sounds soooo good.
6. Maybe I should find a job working nights.
7. I really need to start eating right.
8. I wish I could speed read so I could read all the books I want to read.
9. Should I get up and do something since I'm awake? Like what though?
10. I think I want to rearrange the livingroom just for something different.
11. I think I'm getting sleepy....

Overflowing emotions

This is not what I imagined. I will try to compose myself as I sit here in the library.

I moved in on Thursday. That went well and the first evening went well. I unpacked quite a bit and went to bed at about 10:30.

At 10:40 someone started playing music LOUDLY for about four songs. Then it stopped. Someone next door? had their TV on loud enough to keep me awake. Plus I heard people talking from inside the building. I finally moved out the the couch at about 11:30 and slept for about an hour. Then moved back to the bedroom and tossed and turned from the TV until 2:30 I must have fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Up at 8:00 the next morning and everything came rushing down on me. What have I gotten myself into? I don't belong here. I want to go home. I'm so, so lonely.

I finally called my mom at about 9:15 and cried on the phone to her. I love my mom to death. I never thought I would have this intense loneliness. I'm going to miss having other people around to say good morning to and good night to. To tell them how my day went and just BE there with others.

Last night I slept pretty well. Fortunately there wasn't any noise. I slept fro 9:30 - 8. I think I was exhausted from crying almost the entire day. So far, today hasn't been much better. I'm glad I got some sleep. I'm so glad I have my boys - they're doing great.

Another reason I'm probably crying a lot is that I'm finally letting everything out that was building up. The stress of closing, my grandpa being so sick, moving and now the loneliness.
Whew, I made it through this with nothing more than a huge lump in my throat.
But where do I belong? Where is my home? When will I stop crying? I want to go home. I want my mom. This sucks so bad right now.