Let's talk nonsense

Since about Sunday, I’ve had increasingly gotten more and more uncomfortable in my skin. I’m sure some of it is lack of some nutrient and physical exercise but it’s also stress. I don’t stress much on a day-to-day basis. It’s usually something that triggers it and it sits and stews in my mind and spreads throughout my body. I carry stress in my neck and shoulders and face and right now I can’t relieve the pain. It’s tight. My shoulders, my arms, my legs, even my forehead are in constant need of being stretched and massaged, like I’m constricting in on myself. I can think about the oddest things and dwell on them. Of course there is the country’s financial state. I don’t concern myself with the details because I don’t understand them. I do concern myself with the tone of the news and how it’s affecting those around me. I absorb others’ stress. I’m sleeping hard but waking exhausted. My eye is twitching.

This weekend I watched The Savages and had the sudden desire to call my mom and ask her to clarify what she wants me to do if she were to become ill and/or die. How morbid is that? What terrible thoughts. Especially since I plan on my mom living forever. I can’t and won’t imagine my life without her. Probably the only reason I didn’t call her was because I didn’t want to bother her with such an insane question while she was enjoying her road trip through South Dakota, Utah, Colorado and wherever else. I know she’s already got her wishes expressed in her will but I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed with the ifs and whens. I held back the dialing and just tucked the thoughts away. I’ll ask her at a more appropriate time (which translates to: when I’m sobbing uncontrollably and my back has gone out from the tension).

Let’s add to that the daily thoughts of having a significant other and children – and whether I will have (or want) either (this is for another day). And I’m starting that whole stressing about aging thing. I keep telling myself, when I’m 50 I’ll wish I was 36 again.

So, I continue stretching and trying to rub away the knots, cracking my neck, back and fingers and sleeping and thinking.

Does Calgon really work?