Icky inside.

Today I am full of negative energy.

I want to move but my place is worth nothing.
I'm vibrating with anxiety - I even took a brisk walk to shake it off.
My chin no longer exists as it has merged with my neck (good thing i took a walk).
I don't want to have to listen to my downstairs neighbor's music while I watch Charmed.
I don't know if it's still acceptable to wear skinny jeans with tall boots - I want to wear both.
Sam won't leave me alone; he loves me too much.
People who can't multitask frustrate me.
This year has gone by too fast.

Of course things could be worse, I could have to fight demons and evil warlocks daily like the Charmed Ones.

Cute distractions

I went to Perkins last night (one where kids eat free on Saturday night) . I went with my friend and her daughters, my goddaughters. Jordan was in no mood to be photographed that evening and I caught Anna while digging into her salad with "white dressing". I often get the look Jordan is giving, that annoyed look, that look that says, "stop sticking that camera in my face." Sometimes I get that look when I simply say "hi".

I needed this little escape, this distraction, from my week of... well, my bad week. I've been going on long walks. I walk to move away from what is bothering me. It helps get rid of the anxiety; to let my mind and body wander.

Also, according to Anna, it's illegal not to have a job because then you don't have any money.

Rearing it's ugly head again

Anxiety that is.
I'm starting to feel really icky about many things. It's horrible where I live as far as the noise goes. I can't find a job and that's starting a mild panic in me. I don't want to be on the board of my association anymore.
All of these things have resolutions but some come with complications.
I have to fight the upstairs neighbors daily and that is wearing on my nerves. I'm tired and on edge.
I can resign from the board but I feel a certain amount of obligation to them... yet at the same time I don't give a crap.
Searching for a job day after day after day with no results is frustrating and doesn't make me feel valued.
After many weeks of feeling like crying but with no release... I cried. It's how my anxiety and frustration comes out. I cry because I feel helpless and stupid and lost and weak and miserable. Crying somehow lets some of those feeling escape or become not so urgent. I have been waiting for a good cry.
I'm getting that feeling of wanting to run away. I want to move to a smaller city/town where the population isn't bearing down on me. Not just a vacation but a permanent escape.
I need peace.

Tuesday

Well, I made it through another day. Last night I felt completely normal from right before I got off work until I woke up this morning. Then it starts all over again. The constant churning/butterflies in my stomach, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, distraction, can't sit still, numb/tingly arms.... But, it's better than it was a week ago, right?

Another weekend under my belt

I survived the weekend with only about four breakdowns. The constant butterflies and tight chest, verge of tears, shaking, quick breaths, etc, etc, are still there none stop but an actual breakdown of tears and sadness was "minimal" considering.

I went to church on Sunday. The first time I've ever gone one my own accord. I went by myself. It was also the first time I've been to church in several years. I've tried those big auditorium churches a couple times with some friends and didn't like them. Before that it was about ten years since going. So, I found a Lutheran church. It was very comforting just sitting in there before the service. I don't feel like I got anything out of the service itself but it was calming being there. I'm searching for something. I'm not sure and maybe I'll find it there. I'll go again.


I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. This anxiety and depression is really taking it's toll. I'm tired of struggling through fighting the feelings off all day. I just want to be normal again.

More pity

I found a good website about depression and anxiety. This excerpt has been especially true for the past year. I thought is was very interesting:

Relationships with others often become highly distressing to the individual, and
although they want closeness, they often respond with anger, criticism or
withdrawing further increasing their feelings of isolation and loneliness. The
longer you wait, the more tenacious the depression becomes. It never completely
goes away by itself, but rather, it may appear to go away simply to return when
you are in a highly stressed state.

I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit I suffer from depression or have a problem with anxiety, but I'm afraid of seeking help. Isn't that the silliest thing?

Leaning on friends

Why don't I allow myself to lean on my friends when I'm having a hard time? I have such awesome friends! I guess I just feel like I'm burdening them. I feel like crying is showing I'm not in control and not a strong person. Crazy, I know.

It's just hard for me to just call and say, Hey! I'm hurting! I actually CAN'T control everything I'm feeling! I want to cry and cry. Can I use your shoulder?

My good, good friend e-mailed me today, gradually I got around to talking to her about it. She sad and hurting for me now. She said I have to, have to call when I'm feeling sad. She said she's so sad that I was hurting by myself.

I went to lunch with a friend today, talked with her about it because she's had anxiety problems before. She e-mailed me just now "about our conversation today, I hope you feel better. Let me know if I can do anything for you".Friends make hard times so much more bearable

Mornings are tough

Mornings are so difficult. Maybe because I'm thinking I have to get through another day.

I just got a call from someone. He asked how was my new place. He said by the ton of my voice it didn't seem alright. I told him I've been lonely and trying to make the place a home. He said, "yeah, you probably got used to living with your mom". After I hung up with him I started crying. Shit! I did so well for two days of no crying and here I am at work crying.

My anxiety is in overdrive, I'm close to a panic attack and that makes me feel worse. I have to keep telling myself that I can do this, I can get through this. I'll be alright. Breathe....

I want these feelings to be over now. I want to go home. I need to see/talk to my mom but I'll keep crying then. I want to be over feeling so lousy. I'm tired of fighting to control my feelings everyday.

Random thoughts for the day

The thing about anxiety and depression is that more than anything I'd love to crawl back in bed and cry yet I'm too restless to do it. Not to mention, I can barely breath. Short quick breaths is what I've been taking. I have to constantly remind myself to breathe.

Nobody at work here knows whats going on. I'm afraid if I tell anyone here I'd lose it and cry all day. With them not knowing, I can control the feelings until I get home. I've even had thoughts of going to Medical and asking the nurse if I can just sit in one of her rooms and cry for a bit.

Today my stomach really hurts from the constant butterfly and flipping feeling.

It's storming now, it wasn't suppose to rain today and I left my bedroom window open. The rain goes straight in.

My friend came to visit and see my new place last night. I was looking forward to talking to her but she brought her husband along. So, she still has no idea how I've been feeling.

My doctor appointment went well yesterday. She increased my dosage of Zoloft and I was able to make an appointment with a phychologist for the 19th. I'm going to try to get something earlier...

I've lost 5 lbs. in the past five days from not being able to eat. Not that I can't stand to loose the weight, it's just a bad way of going about it.

I forgot Sam's birthday I felt like such a bad kitty momma. His 5th b-day was Sunday the 4th.

I'm starting to worry about the money part. Where's it going to come from?

I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going to start to feel better.

Among other things

Anxiety sucks the big one

I was excited about big move until the next morning. Since then I've been experiencing multiple symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks that I just can't explain.

• crying a lot (sobbing)
• can't catch breath
• tight chest
• butterflies
• tingly arms
• restlessness
• very lonely
• hungry but no appetite - I didn't even want chocolate ice cream! Three bites and I was done!
• racing heart
• feeling overwhelemed (about what?)
• exhausted
• clenching jaw
• tension in face
• dull, slight headache
• want to stay in bed
• don't want to leave my condo but when I do, I don't want to return
• distracted/no concentration

Thank goodness for my family and friends.

I was told that people go through all kinds of emotions when they purchase a home. The only thing I haven't freaked out about is how the hell I'm going to live my life and pay these payments. It's going to be tight. Just another thing to add to my worries now.

I have a hard time going to my friends and asking for help or just coming out and saying, "I'm having a hard time, I need you". I know they're there for me, it's just hard for me to admit I can't handle something.

I keep getting told that these feelings will pass and things will get better. I just want those feelings now. It scares me not to have control of my feelings.

I've gotten through some trying times, I can get through this. I just need time.... time.... time... time....

Still no good

Everyday gets a little better but I'm still crying a lot. I'm suffering from some major anxiety attacks. I have a doctor appointment this afternoon for that.

I'm not so sure what I'm so anxious about. But they come on long and strong. My goal today is to not cry at work today. I'm doing a lot of deep breathing.


I'm not sure what my problem is....

Overflowing emotions

This is not what I imagined. I will try to compose myself as I sit here in the library.

I moved in on Thursday. That went well and the first evening went well. I unpacked quite a bit and went to bed at about 10:30.

At 10:40 someone started playing music LOUDLY for about four songs. Then it stopped. Someone next door? had their TV on loud enough to keep me awake. Plus I heard people talking from inside the building. I finally moved out the the couch at about 11:30 and slept for about an hour. Then moved back to the bedroom and tossed and turned from the TV until 2:30 I must have fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion.

Up at 8:00 the next morning and everything came rushing down on me. What have I gotten myself into? I don't belong here. I want to go home. I'm so, so lonely.

I finally called my mom at about 9:15 and cried on the phone to her. I love my mom to death. I never thought I would have this intense loneliness. I'm going to miss having other people around to say good morning to and good night to. To tell them how my day went and just BE there with others.

Last night I slept pretty well. Fortunately there wasn't any noise. I slept fro 9:30 - 8. I think I was exhausted from crying almost the entire day. So far, today hasn't been much better. I'm glad I got some sleep. I'm so glad I have my boys - they're doing great.

Another reason I'm probably crying a lot is that I'm finally letting everything out that was building up. The stress of closing, my grandpa being so sick, moving and now the loneliness.
Whew, I made it through this with nothing more than a huge lump in my throat.
But where do I belong? Where is my home? When will I stop crying? I want to go home. I want my mom. This sucks so bad right now.

Overwhelmed

I got a covered trailer for Thursday. I'm not even packed. I have everything that's been stored ready to go but what about all the other crap? Mainly I want to be able to move all the big stuff (bed, couch, table, chairs, etc). If I don't get everything in boxes, I can do that later and move it in car loads.

I'm very overwhelmed though. I still have painting to do. It seems like painting takes no time at all but it takes a lot of time! I think I'm just going to do another coat here and touch up there and it's three hours later by the time I'm done. And really, I'm not putzing along. Once it's done it will be done and it certainly isn't mandatory that I have it done before I move in. It's just easier not to work around the furniture.

I also have butterflies about moving. What if my cats all of a sudden become noisy boys? What if the person upstairs takes up pacing and tap dancing? What if I can't afford the payments? What if I don't like it?

Lordy, I could go on and on. It's just anxiety of change and new things. Everything will be fine. Once I make it my home and settle in I'll be fine. This is something I've been saving for for 18 months. This is what I've been waiting for.