A piece of me

I was scrolling through my MySpace blog (which I haven't updated for many months) and found a blog that hit me again. I must have been missing someone or feeling especially lonely when I wrote this:

November 20, 2006 What is "happiness"? What makes one person happy can make another indifferent. Finding pleasure in the simplest thing is what makes me happy. I cherish my alone time and crave it when I've spent too much time with others. Am I lonely? Not so much but I am alone which are two different things. One satisfies me the other makes me feel like I'm not in my own skin. Loneliness is a silent killer waiting for its prey in dark shadows in places where isolation brews. Keep the lights on; it's too dark in here. It's depressing me and it's claustrophobic. Darkness is for sleep when I am alone with my dreams. Dreams of vivid color and smell and portraying someone I never have the chance or courage to be in "real" life. I can fly. I can breathe under water. I can love and be loved. I am invincible. No one can hurt me… but I hurt. It hurts right there, right where I can't reach yet I can't let go. The past has a death grip on my heart that has left it hard to breathe. So much sadness and disappointment in a lifetime. Why do I feel so much, so hard? Why does my heart continue to break over and over when I think of friends I had, family I've lost and those who have had the pleasure of receiving my heart. Friend, lover and foe, I will not let you in, you have to tear down the walls built over time. I'll hand you the tools but I will not help with the blows. Once the walls are torn down, my soul will bleed into yours and you will always have a piece of me.

"Loneliness is a silent killer waiting for its prey in dark shadows in places where isolation brews." Yikes - where'd that come from?!

I've been reading a book that has brought on a flood of memories. I almost put the book down several times because it just didn't make me feel good to relive the past. A past that may have contributed to the above passage. I'm suppose to say that I wouldn't change a thing that has happened to me because it has made me who I am today. But I can honestly say, that I wish with all my soul that I could change February 2001 - June 2002. I would completely erase it and I believe I would be in a much different, more positive place today.

So, I continue on...