Feeling blah

I'm feeling sad today.
Some feeling in my heart feels empty.
I can't find the cause though.
I'm feeling unsettled.
I've got that "I want to run away" feeling.
I worry too much about other people.
I want to fix everything.
I'm restless.
I'm missing someone more than I should.
I need a vacation.

January 25th

Today I turn 38.
My sister turns 19.
She is the same age I was when she was born.
She is half my age; I am twice hers.
Two family members have thought I was going to be 37.
It forced me to do the math.
Nope, I'm still 38.

Because we're twins

My little sister and I have the same birthday. We were born 19 years apart almost to the minute.

She is now going to be 19. For the past couple of years there has been talk of getting a tattoo of the Aquarius symbol. We found our design and I waited until she was ready.

We got our ink done on Saturday night. I am very pleased with how they turned out.

Peanus?

Saw my dad today. He was up walking around - amazing how far he's come!!
I ask him the usual, "how are you feeling"? "What medications are you taking". Etc... I then asked how the incision is where they entered through his groin (they go through the main artery there to get to the heart!).
Asking this question should have had a return of "it's healing well"... right?? Not from my dad:
"It's completely black. The whole area. My scrotum, my peanus, my hip all the way over to the other side. I mean really black. It's unreal".
Oh GAWD! Please don't show me. Please don't show me. Please don't show me.
I try not to look horrified. First, the idea that it is bruised that much. Second, he said scrotum. Third, he said "peanus" pronounced pee-anus. Now, was this a slip of pronunciation or was he referring to his whole nether regions, coming up with a new term?
I was done talking about it and moved on to "oh wow! Look how tiny the nitro pills are"!

Happy New Year!

I think I'll sleep tonight

My dad is home!
He's feeling good.
I'm feeling good.

I hate when my world gets all topsy turvy

My 64 year old dad had a heart attack last night. It disturbs me beyond comprehension. He is doing well today; even went for a stroll around the nurses station.
He was 100% blocked in one vessel and is 70% blocked in the other. Two stints later and less than 24 hours, he's eating vanilla pudding, sitting in a chair and joking about how he projectile vomited three times that afternoon... right at the nurse. (In his defense he warned them it was a-comin') Way to go, dad.
Medicine is a wonder.
The reality is that my parents are aging. The reality is that I don't think that 64 is that old. It kept me awake all night and made me anxious all day. What if... what if... what if...
One thing, I wish those hospital gowns closed in the back. Forever I will have the vision of my dad's nekkid bum.

Refelctions on 2009

I feel like I've grown a lot this past year.
I went through five months of unemployment that led me to a job that pays me considerably less but I love it considerably more.
I went on two trips. One to Daytona Beach, FL and the other to San Antonio, TX. Both were so much fun.
I made a huge step toward accepting my body (it's helped that I lost 25 lbs.)
I let go of all the weights I put on my own shoulders. All the pressures and expectations I put on myself for so many years I've begun to let go of. I'm continuing to learn that it's okay to occasionally live in the moment because I've spent most of my life living in the past and planning too hard for the future. I'm allowing myself to be a little more carefree and for the first time I'm completely okay with who I am and where I am.
I know I still have hurdles ahead of me. I know I will occasionally falter.
But right now, dare I say? I'm happy.