Ebony and ivory

Since I was eight or nine years old I wished I could play the piano. Many times in my life I’ve been asked from others if I play the piano “your fingers are so long”. I tried to teach myself with my grandma & grandpa’s old player piano using the piano books my mom learned from as a kid. My uncle taught himself, I thought I could too. My childhood friend could play. I made her play for me all the time. I made my uncle play for me. I loved to sit next to my grandma as she played.
I couldn’t grasp reading music. I couldn’t read music when I played the clarinet in band during seventh and eighth grade. I just knew that if the note was there on that line it meant my fingers went like this on my clarinet. I didn’t know how to count the time. I didn’t know how to determine a sharp from a flat or even what that meant. I still don’t. When trying to play the piano I’d get frustrated because I wanted to play the piano. I wanted to sit down and pound out a piece that would bring tears to my eyes because of the emotion. So, playing piano never happened. I have memorized the very, very beginning of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and that’s as impressive as it gets.
At least once a year I go through a phase where I really wish I could play the piano. I figure with all the years of wishing, I could have been practicing and today I would be able to pound out that piece and triumph from my incredible talent.
Even though I’ve been saying it for almost 30 years, I will say it again: Someday I will learn to play the piano.

Fabricated memories

I hate when I dream about him.
It makes me forget all the bad and miss all the good.
The hurt dissolves leaving only desire.
The dreams make me believe what could have been; what should have been.
They leave my heart aching for what used to be.
Dreams like this anger me; make me feel foolish for a part of me still holding on.
Knowing it's all just a dream with real feelings and fabricated memories.

The scale of my dreams

I had a dream last night that I bought a new bathroom scale. I also had a dream that I had a job interview for a decorating company with Sean Penn (but he looked like the Chris Penn) and Robert De Niro.

In the dream, I got on the scale four times. The first three times it said I was about 50 lbs less than what I am and the fourth time it was what I really weigh. Meaning? Only step on scales a maximum of three times.

I'm still waiting to hear if I got the job.

What was THAT about?!

6/6/06 - The date was apparently in my sub-conscious.

Lots of lightening and thunder last night. I couldn't get my condo cooled down. I went to bed on the couch to be right under the AC. I tossed and turned until about 1 a.m. I think I woke up every hour or so - wide awake.

My dreams were scary. I was at a house, your typical suburban rambler, it was a nice sunny day. I had an object... what was it? I can't remember. I was trying to throw it away. I threw it in the garden and it came back at me. I threw it at another garden and again, it came back at me. Finally I was able to get it to stay. I went inside, sat near the window, opened the curtain and the object was sitting outside on the window sill. This was terrifying.... for obvious reasons, right?

I ran into a bedroom to tell Gabrielle and Carlos Solis (yes, from Desperate Housewives ). I told them all about what happened. We started packing things up to get out but some force in the house was pushing us back and locking the doors.

Suddenly I'm with my mom and step dad. We're all heading out to go to work. I told my mom I couldn't stay in this house alone. Also, I had to get my cats out. . Next thing I know I'm doing some kind of exorcism shit yelling at the house "In the name of God, get out! In the name of God, you are not welcome here!" I was screaming and crying as yelling this over and over. It was the kind of thing where I wonder if I was talking in my sleep.


I woke up scared to death and it's stuck with me all day. I think I need to stop watching so many scary movies.... and Desperate Housewives.

Scary fat man

Last night I had a terrible dream. The noisy neighbor got into my place w/o me knowing. In my dream he was this short, slobby, fat man w/ short sausage fingers, short legs and puckery lips. (IRL he's fairly average looking). The man was sitting on my porch (which I don't have) and trying to grab me by my wrists. I struggled away and called 911 sobbing while he tried to grab me.


Ugh, it was awful!

Dead dream

Last night I had such a strange dream (aren't they all). I dreamt that I was dead. I was, I guess, a ghost. It was so strange. I was at my school gymnasium in the middle of the night. Some gang approached me (I was already dead) and they pulled a knife out. I just jumped and flew away They got scared and ran off. There was a part where I was walking down a flight of stairs on the outside of an old crumbly building with a guy. We didn't have any clothes on and I was bleeding.

The next thing I know I'm sitting in an office on a toilet (not going to the bathroom ) just off the gym and I'm with a boyfriend - I guess the same one I was naked with - and we're sort of hiding out there. Some people come to the door - friends of ours? - and sit down, we're talking blah, blah, blah. In walks my best friend from several years ago whom I've lost touch with since he got married. He was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt with a lit up clock on the front Oh, it gets better, after him in walks my dad with the same sweatshirt. He sits down and immediately starts explaining to everyone that this isn't like him, he's usually really shy. So strange.

Next thing I'm in a school auditorium getting my clarinet for the band. I can't remember how to play it because it's been 20 years since the last time I've played. But I tell whoever I'm great. I want to be in the band to I can see an old friend from Jr. High (IRL, I've recently gotten back in touch with him). I think I'm alive for this part.

Now, someone explain this one to me

'Nother dream

The only part I remember of a dream I had last night is that I was at a reunion or party and the guy I've recently been in touch with (through Classmates.com) from Jr. High came up to me and asked me to dance. It was a slow song and I remember he held me close so that our cheeks touched. His cheek was warm and comforting and I really enjoyed dancing with him. My dream men are the best!

Strangest dreams lately

Occasionally I have dreams about an ex boyfriend from high school. We dated for several months during school and then for about two years after. I have never had so much fun with someone. I also was lost when we broke up. I have seen him a few times since but now not for five years. I still think about him a lot, a lot and I have dreams about him quite a bit as well.

In the dreams we are usually a couple yet for some reason it's difficult for us to be together. In the past week or so I've had a couple of dreams about him. In one, we actually got married. I remember being so happy and thinking FINALLY we're together like we were meant to be.

I wonder what he's up to these days.....